M's OC Update

The New Place

2005-02-24T20:47:00.000-06:00

For future OC commentary, see http://thebittersweetone.blogspot.com

The New Kids on the Block (Or The Cast Doubles in Size)

2004-12-08T22:47:00.000-06:00

The New Kids on the Block

Well, now that the first two episodes have shattered all the relationships, on to the new characters that will serve as conflict starters!

Seth is, as usual, worried about himself. He’s fretting over his hair in the face of his grandfather’s arrest, and Ryan quietly points out, “Looks like Summer had a point.” In case you missed it (and shame on you if you did), Summer accused Seth of being selfish in the last episode. So now he seeks to prove just how far that truism goes by obsessing over not being selfish. And he’s definitely not doing it to win Summer back. Shyeah. Right. Story arc much?

Credits roll. Sadly, there is no Luke. I miss him. Bring back Abercrombie and Bitch!

Harry Potter ad! Squeee!

Boring Adult Plot Alert: Actually, this one gets pretty juicy near the end. Anyway, at the moment, Sandy is driving Caleb home from his night in the cooler. It has the feel of a parent driving home the teenage son that was busted for underage drinking. “Aw, come on, Mom, why’d I have to stay there overnight?” “It’s for you own good, Junior! I just love you too much!” They are headed over to meet Kirsten at Casa Cohen.

New Kid #1 Spotting: An obviously out of place Ford POS pulls into the Harbor High lot. An equally out of place girl steps out of the sputtering vehicle and announces (in case we couldn’t tell), “I’m new.” She asks if she can park where she is and the requisite Harbor High Snotties laugh and tell her, “Sure, if you’re not embarrassed.” Just in case we didn’t get how out of place she is, the camera pans to her bumper plastered with declarations of her liberal-mindedness. Back off, bitches, she’s with PETA.

Cut to the coffee bar. I’m thinking we need one of these at the School of Social Work. Wouldn’t it be nice to walk out of the latest lecture on why the world can never be fixed and buy yourself a latte? Seth is letting Ryan order first as proof of his new selflessness, and he notices a flyer for a band called The Walkmen. Genius moment! He’ll but tickets for Summer and her new squeeze. No one could misinterpret that gesture! Except for Ryan, who is now living up to the smart kid rep by questioning Seth’s motives. Tish Tosh, says Seth and stalks off to let Ryan get the tab.

Which leads us straight to his run-in with New Kid #1. Literal run-in. He wheels around and sloshes his ice coffee down her blouse. He dives for napkins to clean her up and knocks her in the nose with his elbow. Score! First throw down of the season! He turns around to apologize amidst the jeers of the crowd and she says, “It’s okay. I have to get a rhinoplasty, but now I’ll look like all the other girls.” Just like in Clueless when all the girls had nose jobs! Awesome! Then they both fall to the floor in the throes of passion. (Okay, not really. But I think we can all see where this is going. Two kids from the outside world meeting in a clumsy manner. The grandkids will love this story.) They do fall to the floor, but it’s to pick up the contents of New Kid’s purse. Including tampons- feared by high school boys everywhere! New Kid #1 starts to back away slowly as Ryan looks chagrined and she makes some awkward comments about fitting in really well now. Fool! You’ve blown it with the other outcast! Or have you…

Boring Adult Plot: (Well, boring for now. Wait for it.) “Time to get your Martha Stuart on,” says Sandy as they discuss how to deal with the arrest. Then Julie Cooper is on the scene and all bets are off. It seems she came straight from her seaweed wrap to stand by her man. She promises him that even though she left Jimmy when things got rough, she won’t leave Caleb. She’ll do anything he wants to help out, but she seems less than thrilled when he asks her to get him some food. As he marches off to find Kiki and Sandy to get, “back to business,” you can already see that hamster wheel turning in her head.

New Kid # 2 Spotting: Okay, so we’ve seen this one before. As Marissa puts it, “Is it just me or is Zach perfect?” Red flashing lights! As StickGirl and SuperBitch run through his list of credentials (attractive, athletic, smart, politician’s son), I can’t help but think this might be the twist to which Mr. Wright refers. Obviously, he must have a flaw. Crazy!Oliver Part Deux: the Summer Remix? Time will tell, but let the theories fly! As Marissa tries to convince her to ask Mr. Perfect out for breakfast with her dad, Summer hints that she may not want to take that step quite yet. Not over Seth? Oh hell no, she divested herself of all of his personal belongings and is vibrating at a Cohen-less frequency. (Insert your own sexual joke here. My mother stops by here on occasion and I just can’t do it.) Then Mr. Perfect himself makes his entrance and his revelation that he reads four newspapers daily (four?! What time does he wake up in the morning?!) prompts Summer to ask him what his weekend plans are. Nothing like a well-educated and motivated guy to get you out to lunch with your dad.

And now we come back to Ryan and his new outcast buddy. Hey coincidence! They’re both in AP physics! Hey coincidence! The only seat left is the one next to NK#1! Further Shocks! Ryan knocks her in the head with his backpack and they exchange vows of hatred! And double trouble coincidence: they’re assigned to be lab partners! Small crazy world! By the way, from here on out, New Kid #1 will be referred to as Lindsay Gardner. Or possibly Mother Earth if she exhibits any future love for the planet.

“What? The only sounds in Chino are gunshots and helicopters?” The boys make their way to The Bait Shop to find tickets for the concert. And now we have…

New Kid #3 Spotting: She’s tough. In case you couldn’t already see that from her punk hairdo, she goes self-defense class on Seth’s ass when he taps her on the shoulder. And she has a boy’s name, a metal belt, and a tattoo, and eyebrows that could slice diamonds. In other words: watch out, audience! Orange County has a brand new badass! And she’s going to be pushing Seth Cohen around, if you know what we mean. It turns out Alex the Badass is in charge at The Bait Shop, and there are no tickets left for the concert unless one takes a position there. Sure thing, pipes up Seth. He’s on the case. Question: Alex refers to The Bait Shop owner, Nat. Is that the name of the owner of the Peach Pit? I mean, obviously, that’s the vibe they’re going for here, but is this a little nudge nudge to the audience? Also, did anyone else think of The Princess Bride when Alex says, “If I don’t fire you by the end of the night, you can come back tomorrow”? Like the Dread Pirate Roberts saying, “Good job today, Westley. I’ll likely kill you in the morning.” Sort of close? Anyway, Seth is all excited about the new level of commitment evident in his willingness to change urinal cakes for Summer. He’s Selfless!Seth. Ryan amazes me when he puts a brand new expression on display: skepticism.

In the Cohen kitchen, Sandy and Ryan hunch over their homework: saving the skin of soul-less maggot and physics, respectively. Seth makes his entrance with Kiki and points out to her and the audience the obvious irony of Ryan studying science while he works a blue collar job. Favorite line of the episode: “Personal growth is so painful,” spoken by Seth after his first night on the job. Meanwhile, Kiki assures them that even if Caleb goes to jail (a nice white collar one with tennis and Tivo), they won’t lose the house. However, Sandy and Kirsten then exchange odd looks, and I have to wonder if there is a solid reason to lose their house after all. Hmmm…

Over at the new Cooper/Nichols Chalet, Julie is also assuring Marissa that everything will be just peachy. Marissa seems to think that’s cause for alarm- she would rather Caleb end up in jail and put an end to their little farce. I’m a little disappointed in Julie. I mean, bravo for having layers and trying to be supportive to husband and kids, but come on! Are you going to take that from StickGirl? Snap her like the twig that she is!

Back to the physics room for another outcast showdown. Turns out Ms. “I’m just here to get into Yale and then get the hell out” already turned in the lab report—without Ryan’s contribution of serious intellect and brooding good looks. Lindsay explains, “God doesn’t give with both hands.” In other words, you may be pretty to look at, but you’re dumber than dirt and you won’t hurt my GPA, chump. Ryan, champion of morality and doing-the-right-thing, storms straight up to the teacher and tell him he had no input on the assignment. His honesty results in an extra assignment, a lecture on the teamwork needed for science, and snarky comments from Lindsay.

Elsewhere, Seth is earning his keep. As his new badass friend struggles to lift a crate of glasses, he muses about a hernia he once had. So much for selflessness. Eventually, he does get her hint and awkwardly dives underneath the crate and sort of supports it on his head. Yeah, no wonder he’s complaining of losing feeling in his legs a few moments later. Lift with your knees, not your back, Cohen. Then Alex gets a call from her mommy, and we find out that Kid Punk is only 17, was kicked out of 3 schools, and lives on her own and has never been happier, dammit! Speculation: She’s lying and still lives at home and wants to cultivate her image OR Seth will be the warm heart that melts her down to her warm gooey center. Seth finally gets his tickets, but not before Alex tells him that his “friend” will see straight through this. And it’s true, boys, we’re on to you.

Boring Adult Plot Update: Sandy got fired/quit when he decides to represent Kirsten’s dad. How will they pay for the remodeling now? And what about the Chrismukkah presents? Oh no!

Summer is watching The Valley, The OC’s show within a show. On the screen we hear someone say something like, “But I love April, it’s all so confusing.” In case you missed the previous episode with the cast of The Valley (and shame on you if you did), the Summer-esque character is named April. Take a moment to appreciate the symmetry. Aaaaaand…. Back to the show. Someone knocks on her door and Summer barks, “No knocking until 9 PM!” (Kind of like the no-call zone I have with my mom.) That doesn’t stop Seth from opening the door and putting his plan into action. They start off by referencing Summer’s wicked step mother, who is unusually nice due to her new meds for those of you keeping score. There’s a little bickering as Summer snaps at him to leave and he tries to placate her, and then he breaks out the tickets and the f word- Friends. Summer seems taken aback by the gesture, and I have to say that Seth does a pretty good job of playing it off like he means what he’s saying. He leaves, and Summer stands alone in her room looking pensive. In the background, we hear a character say, “I think I’m pregnant… with his baby.” Hmm… what happened to Theresa anyway?

Speaking of inconvenient children, Marissa is evidently near the end of a weekend with her dad. He’s made her French toast, which impresses me because the most complicated thing my dad ever made was Spam and eggs. (I kid you not. Literally, Spam.) They talk about the trials of being lonely while surrounded by people until the perpetrator of the real crimes, Julie Cooper-Nichols glides in with her dulcet tones singing, “Mariss?” And, it’s back to the “goulog” for Marissa. This is a Russian prison, evidently. I would have known this had my AP European History teacher not allowed Mary Moreno to lead us all in Darren’s Dance Grooves at the start of class. As Marissa huffs off to pack her weekend wardrobe, Julie and Jimmy converse in a far more comfortable manner than they did when their own marriage fell apart. Jimmy points out the obvious irony of Julie’s current situation. And then he does The Thing That Will Bring Back Julie The Bitch. She’s been fairly tame so far, and she’s trying to win back the love of her daughter. But Jimmy reminds her, “Nobody puts Julie Cooper in the corner.” And that little half-smirk and arched eyebrows announce to the world—she’s back, and people will suffer. Also, did anyone else notice the sexual undercurrents between the former couple? Methinks another affair is in Julie’s future.

Next, we find out Ryan is the type of person that speaks aloud when he works out a math problem. How utterly not charming. Like me, Lindsay notes this and tosses him their newly completed assignment. He looks all ready to lecture her about being fair and honest when she tells him she’s there on academic scholarship and no way does she have an infinity pool waiting for her if she flunks out. I have a vague idea of what an infinity pool involves, and I’m pretty sure that wouldn’t be my first priority either. Ryan tells her that he came from Chino and he’s a lot like her (Note that he looked around nervously before he said the word “Chino.” Is Ryan becoming an OC snob?). She makes a crack about the captain of the water polo team, assuming it would be him, and he fires back that no way would he play such a lame ass sport and he used to be good friends with the real captain, so step off. They basically agree to disagree and finish their assignment. Also of interest, I’m pretty sure I own the blouse Mother Earth is wearing. I’m thinking I’m going to like this girl. A lot.

In Summer’s brothel, Mr. Maturity is puzzling over how she obtained tickets to the big show. She tries to gloss over the fact that Seth handed them off and then she tries to brush off his concerns that it may be a ploy to win her back. For the record, I want to point out that nobody seems to be concerned that Summer entertains boys in her room unchaperoned. In my house, if you managed to lure a boy to our house in the first place, you sat in the living room with the grumpy family dog hovering nearby. Anyway, Zach pretty much sees through the whole thing, including Summer’s claims to be so over Seth. Like the master of maturity he is, Zach tells her to go to the concert alone and figure out her relationship with Seth. Summer observes, “You are, like, such an adult.” No kidding. I don’t even know adults who would do that.

The “adult” Cohens and the “adult” Nichols are gathered to toast to the newfound unemployment of both Sandy and Caleb. As the bubbly gets flowing, Julie nudges Caleb to announce his other great news. Sandy and Kiki exchange relieved remarks when he announces he will be naming a new CEO in the morning. They’re just about to start congratulating themselves when Julie clears his throat and smiles her, “You’re about to get screwed,” smile. Yeah, turns out she will be the next CEO. Caleb drains his champagne, Kiki and Sandy look appalled, and once again , Julie positively glows in the misery of others. She innocently asks, “Who needs more champagne, hmm?” Oh, Julie, you she-devil, we should have known you were up to no good when we saw you wearing your power lipstick and assertive hair.

Over at the Peach Pit/ Bait Shop, The Walkmen play to a packed house. They are another band full of skinny boys playing loud, drum heavy music. Seth is working the door, and I have my doubts about his effectiveness as a bouncer. He and Ryan ponder the whereabouts of Summer. Seth worries that Zach trumped The Walkmen and got her tickets to Incubus. Incubus?! Really? Ryan reminds him that if that were the case, Seth would be happy for her. Seth says, “totally.” But you can tell he’s thinking, “if by happy you mean devastated, then yes.” Just then, Summer slinks in, and check it out- she grew bangs between takes! Why do the women on this show feel the need to do that? My hope is that Lindsay holds out. Seth tries to act nonchalant and fails when he decides to escort her to the Very VIP section. That leaves Ryan to play bouncer, and he wanders off to brood. Which leaves the doors open. Underagers and Walkmen fans swarm!!

Ryan’s brooding takes him right over to Marissa who is also brooding. I find it quite stunning that they seem intent on being friends. Anyway, they both admit to showing up as moral support for their respective best friends and they sit and have the following exchange:
Ryan: So, what do you think--Seth and Summer: star crossed lovers?
Marissa: Or better off as friends?
Ryan: Destined to be together?
Marissa: Or too dysfunctional to make it work?
Ryan: Only time will tell
Marissa: Yup, I guess.
In case you misses it, that wasn’t about Seth and Summer. And the answer is: too dysfunctional to work. They decide to go back to the concert, and Marissa asks, “So, you like this band?” Ryan replies, “I like Journey.” I guess that’s a no. And also a reference to the scene from last season where Ryan drives Seth to the airport and defends Journey- “Do NOT insult Journey!” Huzzah! Running Jokes! Let there be a guest spot!

Meanwhile, back at the mansion, Sandy gives Caleb a dressing down for passing over the Obvious Choice for the Slutty Choice. Caleb defends his decision as an act to save his marriage, but Sandy warns him that he might have lost the only thing keeping his company together. I predict this is not the case. How much fun will the scenes between Step Mommy Dearest and Kiki be? Anyway, when they get the front door, we can see Julie applying lipstick in the front seat of the car and blowing the horn in impatience. Yup. We know who runs the show in the OC.

Back at the concert hall, The Walkmen sing a song that starts off with, “What’s in it for me?” I’m thinking this speaks to the Seth storyline. Speaking of Seth, he and Summer are sitting upstairs with ambiguous plastic drinking cups (this reminds me- we haven’t seen a good underage rager in a while). He’s playing the part of overly attentive boyfriend as Summer attempts to listen to the band. Finally, she questions him on the tickets and he admits to working at The Bait Shop in order to get said tickets. She says it’s sweet, they exchange a long look, he kisses her, and she reels back in disgust and storms away. Several things to note here:
1) Alex makes a cameo to serve as catalyst for Seth revealing he works there. She wears a scarf with a tanktop. This I do not understand.
2) Summer calls Alex TatooGirl. I like this and will be shortly adopting it.
3) I caught the look Summer flashed Seth right before he kissed her. I’ve given that look. And it does not mean, “Kiss me and I shove your bony ass off.”
4) Plastic cups are essential for masking underage drinking. At my old sorority (I know, I know), we used to put blown up pictures on the wall during rush. We had to choose only pictures with people holding plastic cups. If a beer bottle made an appearance, we slapped a happy face sticker over it. Interestingly enough, they did the same thing to my face when it appeared in pictures.

So, Summer storms out, but she can’t be that mad because she’s waiting for Seth outside. She blasts him for kissing her; he says he didn’t mean to do it. Oh sure. You leaned forward and there were her lips. Total Cohen-cidence. Anyway, she asks if it was all a ploy to get her back. He says no, unless, you know, that’s what you want. Summer sees through his thin words and he finally comes clean, “Maybe I can’t be just friends with you.” Well, Summer shoots back, maybe that’s it for us. Aw snap! Or pwnd. Depending on how cool you are.

Saturday morning dawns and the boys are re-playing the previous evening in the pool house. Well, Seth is replaying it and Ryan is gamely listening. Seth feels so bad that only, “my lungs are holding up my head.” Somehow, I think the appropriate body part would have been the esophagus or spinal column, but I guess that’s not very poetic. As Seth goes through all the mind games he should have played to get Summer back instead of playing the friends card, Ryan is getting dressed for his study date. Finally ready to go, he tells Seth he has to leave and replies to Seth’s whined protests, “and I would love to rehash the evening second by second again.” Yup. Seems Seth is not even trying to do that selfless things anymore. Back to the all Seth, all the time channel.

Kiki and Sandy marvel that Julie is her new boss. They contemplate life as the unemployed. Touching touching touching. Blah blah blah.

And then we skip the broken hearts club where Marissa is surprised to find Seth strolling into her bedroom. I think Seth puts it better than I ever could as he tells her he likes to talk incessantly about his problems and he’s pretty much burned out anyone who will listen. She’s game. They talk about how he should apologize to Summer, but all I can really see is the rather impressive computer monitor in the background. It looks like that beautiful new screen from Mac. Drool. Wait, who am I? Since when do I care about that? I need to hang out with girls more often. Marissa does give Seth a playful shove that does look a little forced, but I do like the idea of them being buddies. The pity-me-society is off to good start. Seth takes off to apologize to Summer, but Marissa reminds him that Summer may want some space. And in that same breath she asks where Ryan is. At school. Dork now and all that. Marissa looks skeptical, but she watches Seth leave with a satisfied smile. You can see her thinking, “Look! I have a friend in the manipulative dark side! Seth Cohen, you are my one true friend. Together, we will take down the world.”

Boring Adult Plot Update: Caleb comes to meet with Kiki, bit Sandy warns him she may kill him in the process. Caleb says he’s sorry but he has to save his marriage. He is going to appoint her to be CFO because she will control the company through money. He gives her a pep talk about family and points out that Julie will likely flake. And peace is restored to the kingdom.

Ryan and Lindsay are meeting in the physics lab at school and noticing, “hey, he/she is not so bad.” They tell each other as much. Then they shift from harsh barbs to cutesy banter. Turns out Ryan has a sense of humor as she informs him she used the Canadian spelling on a mistake she made in the paper and he says, accent and all, “Oh, you were using the Canadian spelling, aye?” As she gets up to wrestle her paper back from him, Marissa appears in the doorway, but she turns to leave (in slow motion, natch) before they see her. Yup, she is seeing what we all saw already. Theresa might have been competition, but Lindsay is clearly better than her. Time to go home and regroup.

Elsewhere, Seth is having a similar experience with Summer as he arrives at the club to confront her and see her dad laughing with Zach. Oooo…the manipulate ones are losing out to good old fashioned heart and honesty. I like it.

Marissa sits staring out at the water, and Seth arrives on the scene. I have to wonder how he knew where to find her. Is this the unofficial brooding bench of Newport? I find that hard to believe because I feel certain Ryan would have been there before. They sit in rejected silence and Seth finally muses, “If someone told me last year that we would be the two loneliest people in Newport, I never would have believed them.”

So, we see the New Kids on the Block are rapidly replacing the old ones. Guess we better get used to hangin’ tough.

The Quick and Dirty Guide To Catch You Up

2004-11-18T15:15:00.000-06:00

Well, to be honest, I wasn't planning to continue the good old update because I figured my readership was no longer interested or living in Africa. But you like me! You really like me! So I'm back.

However, getting my master's does actually take some time (I know, wtf?), so I don't have time to describe the last couple of episodes in explicit detail. So, I offer this brief summary of the first two episodes of Season Two.

First of all, Seth ended up in Portland with the Lukester. I was not under the impression he particularly liked Luke, but I guess they couldn't very well have him make new friends. So, he's been in Portland teaching locals to sail. Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Sandy and Kiki know where he is and Kiki is demanding that Sandy bring him home. Ultimately, Sandy does go up to retrieve him, but Seth resists.

Sandy and Kiki have hit a rough patch. With both their boys gone, they have decided to remodel their house. (I would go into symbolism, but this is quick and dirty!)

Ryan is living with Theresa and working a construction job. She packs him lunch and peels his oranges, and they are rather sweet and domestic. Except they have zilch passion with each other. Sandy drops by and gives Ryan a ticket to fly up to see Seth is an effort to convince the little bitch to come home. Ryan ends up flying up there in lieu of going to Theresa's doctor's appointment. (Party foul!) In the end, both young lads decide to go home to the OC and they share some homoerotic moments in the process.

Marissa is living large and acting like a brat to her mother. There's a particularly great scene where her mom asks her what's wrong and she stands there and screams and screams and throws things into the pool. It's fantastic. She occasionally swigs from a flask, and she occasionally calls Ryan and breathes heavily into his phone before hanging up. She is obviously not dealing very well, but she does exchange some smokin' glances with the pool boy. I'm thinking her summer wasn't all bad.

Summer is dating someone new and stops over at the Cohens to drop off all of Seth's things. She asks Capatin Oats if they can still be friends.

And (drumroll please) Theresa calls Ryan in Portland to tell him she lost the baby. Only then she hangs up and we see her mother telling her that lying was the right thing to do. Oooooo!

And so ends the first episode.

The next episode sees the return to school, where Summer avoids Seth and Marissa gushes over Ryan. Ryan and Marissa are on the fast track to reunion, but it turns out she did have a fling with the poolboy and she's with child too! Nah, not really. She is snogging him though. Ryan happens to see this, and tells her in no uncertain terms that they are not happening anytime soon. Seth tries to win Summer back by jumping on top of a hot dog stand, but she tells him off, and they are not happening anytime soon either.

Also, Seth and Ryan start a comic book club that seems doomed to include only the two of them, until a water polo jock steps up to join. He and Seth go total geek and Ryan looks amused, and they make some in-jokes about the comics world that a friend of mine assures me are really clever. Later we find out that Seth's new BFF is Summer's new flame. Harsh!

Oh, and Caleb was arrested. Julie threatened Sandy that Kiki will go down too. Jimmy proposed to Haley. Haley said no. And poor Caitlin, the forgotten sister of Marissa, was sent off to boarding school.

It is also worth mentioning that the school guidance counselor thinks Ryan is really smart, and Ryan shows some ambition to be an architect.

I think that covers everything you need to know before tonight. Welcome back, bitches.

The Ties That Bind You Until You Choke

2004-11-18T15:10:00.000-06:00

Uh, yeah... at long last...

Lest anyone forget, last time Ryan learned in the final moments that he may be a father. So, what else would he be doing other than stand on a bridge thinking of baby names with Seth? In reality, Seth is the one coming up with names, Thor being his top choice. Thor Atwood. Has a pleasant ring to it. Ryan implores him to quit with the name game- they’re not even sure it’s his. But here’s my thought: if I were Theresa, I would probably say it was Ryan’s even if it wasn’t because Eddie is scum. So, Ryan better start accepting that this could be a lifetime commitment for him. Seth advises Ryan to keep a sense of humor, and I have written in my notes something about being stuffed in a locker with shoes filled with urine. I don’t remember the exact context of this comment, but I’m fairly certain it has to do with Seth’s traumatic high school experience before Ryan showed up. As a pre-professional mental health expert, I can say that this kind of experience should not be taken lightly. It’s a wonder that Seth is at all adjusted to do anything other than sit in a corner and shake. Back to the story- Theresa breezes out of the family planning clinic and doesn’t say anything, but I don’t think she needs to. Where would the dramatic tension be if she pranced out with the news it was a false alarm? (Side note: Can anyone see her prancing? Perhaps I should amend that to say, “galloped.”)

At the Cohen mansion, Kiki is on the phone demanding white lights only at the wedding of her father because colored lights make him think of carnies. Sandy mumbles, “Note to self, I am with carnies. “ Forgive me if I am slightly self-indulgent here and make many references to my sister’s wedding. It’s the reason the update is so late, so I feel justified. Anyway, my sister originally forbade anything used as seasonal ornamentation, but then she realized that my proximity to candles greatly increases the likelihood of disaster. White twinkle lights it is. Kiki hangs up on the light brigade, and Sandy smirks, “Never have two people deserved each other more.” I believe this very thing was said at my sister’s rehearsal dinner, but I think the speaker meant it in a, “they’re both such wonderful people” way rather than a, “misery loves company” way. Kirsten doesn’t want to talk about the Gruesome Twosome; she would much rather canoodle Sandy into making peace with her dad by biting his ear. She continues her sexual assault until he caves and agrees to speak with Caleb. They’re just getting ready to “seal the deal” when the pregnancy posse walks in, definitely not in school and definitely pregnant. They break the news to the rents, but I’m mostly curious as to why Seth is part of the blessed event. Was he there too?

California here we come, right back where we started from.

Back at Club High School, StickGirl is letting the joyous news sink in. Ryan reminds her they were, “on a break,” when he slept with Theresa, and she snips back, “for like a week.” As any Friends fan can tell you, a break does not entitle anyone to have random sex. In fact, guys, you should just go ahead and assume that you can’t have sex with anyone for at least two months. Ryan wishes he could take it back (Yeah right. If memory serves, he would have to take more than one thing back.) Marissa tells him that if he’s the father, he has to be with Theresa, but he assures her that he’ll only help Mamacita; he really wants to make things work with Marissa. The Lemur looks sort of pleased, but I don’t think she’s dumb enough to believe that Ryan will be able to balance the three of them. Can’t you already see Ryan calling to cancel their Friday night plans to take the kid to Chuckee Cheese?

Elsewhere, there is very sad music being sung by a very sad chick. Must mean that Seth and Summer are having a state of the union. Summer is clearly freaking out about the baby, and Seth says something like, “I always got those two confused. Really shiny hair.” I don’t remember who this is, but I think it’s funny anyway. Shiny hair- like a raccoon. Summer calls Marissa and Ryan the perfect couple (ah, the high school ideal of perfection- beautiful angsty people), and Seth admits he’s not really emotionally equipped to freak out. Anyway, Summer announces they will no longer be having sex to which Seth grimly replies, “Excellent.” By the way, does anyone else think that Seth and Summer are a way better couple than Lemur and UVAgrad? I would much rather go on a double date with them than with the beautiful people.

Theresa is somewhere serving coffee. Kirsten wanders in without trying to pretend she actually wants coffee. Theresa, who works hard for the money, has no time to talk.

Having given his word to a provocative Kirsten, Sandy meanders into Caleb’s office to offer the olive branch. Unfortunately, this doesn’t go so well because Caleb has a black eye and his company is going under. Turns out Kirsten’s part of the company is the only part that’s making any money. I have this vague suspicion now that Caleb wants to marry Julie for monetary reasons. Last time I checked, she was divorced from a bankrupt investor, and I don’t think dancing around in Juicy sweats qualifies as paid employment. Thus, this all seems quite senseless. Anyway, Caleb’s not really amenable to apology for the showdown at the bachelor’s party because his act of treachery was an act to save his company. “You snaky not so successful son of a bitch,” says Sandy. If I were Caleb, I wouldn’t be too worried. Marissa lost everything last fall, and she still seems better dressed than most middle class Americans.

Speaking of the Riches to Rags story, Marissa is packing her stuff over at Jimmy’s penthouse. He tells her he’ll give back the check so she doesn’t have to go through with the deal to live with her mom, but there seems to be a reason why she won’t do this that I didn’t hear because a certain ex-boyfriend of a roommate wouldn’t shut up about how lame this show is. (To him I say, “Eat my shorts.”) So, the pieces are moving into position for everyone other than Julie Cooper to be hating life.

More misery at the Cohen ranch where Sandy is warning Ryan about how real being a parent is. Seriously, I have a friend who is all about having children, and not that I don’t want them one day, but every time I watch some young haggard woman pushing a reclining toddler around in the mall, I thank God that men in general find me asexual. So, Seth is talking about how fun it is to say pudding (I personally enjoy “tapioca”), and proving Sandy’s point that kids are not always the coolest. It’s all a moot point though because Theresa arrives on the scene to announce she’s having none of it. Ryan can’t seem to get out an intelligible word (I would say he’s stunned, but he can’t usually get out words, so he’s possibly pleased).

Seth is going to renew his dock fees (Now?! Theresa just dropped the A-bomb and there’s a wedding in the near future. This must be important later.) Now that Ryan is free from parental responsibility, he thinks they should go sailing because they’re brothers and brothers gotta sail. (“Brothers don’t shake hands! Brothers gotta hug!” Anyone?) I would guess he’s trying to be comforting but he’s sort of babbling and talking about dodging bullets, not the most sensitive approach.

Once again, Theresa is just trying to get by in this crazy world when Kirsten comes in with concerned eyes and sympathetic cheekbones (I know what you’re thinking. Cheekbones can’t be sympathetic, but they are. They truly are.) She wants to know if anyone is going with her for her procedure, and she ends up offering to be her driver. I’d like to make a joke here about driving the getaway car, but given the subject matter, I don’t think I will.

One person is super-psyched about the abortion- StickGirl! She’s telling Ryan that things can go back to normal now between them. I have “Nit set right?” written in my notes. This roughly translates to, “So, we can finally have sex now, right?” And they kiss like young normal lovers are known to do.

Elsewhere, the old and creepy groom is leading his young and evil bride around blindfolded (“And by the way, Caleb, we should hold on to this blindfold” Shudder.) He takes it off to reveal her new house- more like a Californian palace. She says she wants to live there forever, which shouldn’t last that long. Considering Caleb is going under financially and the new season needs some scandal, I would say she has about 5 months, tops

Back at the docks, Seth is uncovering the SS Summer and speaking to her with great love. Ryan teases him for talking to a boat, but I regularly talk to my car, so I find it endearing. He tells Ryan about his plan to sail to Tahiti and his purchase of condoms for the trip. If we consider that Seth made these plans while stuffed in a locker with urine filled shoes, I would say that condoms were an optimistic choice. Anyway, he’s not going anymore because Ryan is in Newport and he’s fun (He doesn’t mention he actually has someone with whom he has sex now too, which I would take offense to if I were Summer). Instead, the two of them (Brothers! Sailing!) can take their ladies to Catalina. Aw. Things are looking up with the baby being a non-issue. Woot!

Like the good mother hen she is, Kiki has taken Theresa out for a pre-abortion lunch. Theresa is wigging out about the upcoming procedure, and Kiki reminds her she has choice. But alas! Theresa reminds her she is but a high school student and cannot possibly support a baby (Yeah, now they try to act like she’s in high school. What about when she was making out with Ryan in the parking lot of his school, hmmm?) Kiki tells her the right choice doesn’t have to make sense, and Mamacita shoots back that it’s pretty easy to say that when your life is perfect. Kiki cryptically reveals that, “things happen.” (Your OC moment of zen, ladies and gentlemen). And here’s the big reveal: many years ago, Kiki the wholesome also had an abortion. Oooo….

This leads us to an emotional scene in the poolhouse that goes something like this:
Theresa: Hey, Ryan, remember that part about me not having the baby?
Ryan: ….
Theresa: Yeah, nevermind.
Ryan: (fuck me!)

Meanwhile, Kiki reveals the blessed news to Sandy, and he sides with Ryan (he would, stupid man). Kiki hotly reminds him she identified a little more with Theresa, and we’re left pondering if Sandy knew about/was responsible for Kiki’s little secret.

Cut to Theresa who is taking her impregnated self back to Chino to live with her mother. She wants Ryan to go with her. The plot thickens. Elsewhere, Marissa gets to her new house of horror, Haley and Julie catfight, and Marissa looks pissy. (In case you can’t tell, I’m getting impatient. Get to the wedding already!)

At the docks, Seth is preparing to sell his beloved Summer. No, he is not turning pimp to Summer’s ho. He is selling the boat, who I might add was there for him long before Summer. She’s marveling that he named his boat for her, but that won’t change the fact that they will never have sex again. (Naw, baby, please!) She wants to know why he’s selling it anyway, and he says for Ryan. “What, for a vintage wife beater?” Summer asks. Nope, for Mamacita and baby brooder. Aw, bummer

And we’re at the rehearsal dinner. As per usual, Lemur is looking for Ryan and Sandy is antagonizing Caleb. He tells him the DA is all set to kick his ass in the courtroom, and he wonders if Julie knows her life of luxury is about to collapse in on itself. Caleb scoffs, “You think she’s marrying me for my money?” Uh, yeah. She’s in it for your rock solid abs and killer smile. You can buy those now, Caleb, but you won’t be able to afford it much longer.

Marissa finally finds UVAgrad in his poolhouse hiding from the farce within the main house. Their clothes match! Symmetry! Their conversation goes something like this:
Ryan: Theresa went home to have the baby.
Marissa: Oh, so she got back together with Eddie? (Oh please, oh please!)
Ryan: Uh, no.
Marissa: (Fuck!) So, she’s raising the baby alone?
Ryan: Uh, maybe.
Marissa: (Double Fuck!)

So, back to the dinner where the whole cast is present and accounted for. Pretty much everyone other than Summer is about to be related to some convoluted way. Nice. Caleb is toasting everyone (he did fail to toast the tablecloth, but we can’t all be Christine Kalil). He keeps waxing poetic about family and family togetherness, and Ryan catches a big whiff of the irony as he bolts from the table. StickGirl, Seth, and Summer follow him and they go to the beach to catch some relief.

Ah, the beach. They do a quick re-hash of the season and their memories on the beach: getting their asses kicked by the water polo team, the fashion show, blah blah blah. Basically, this is to remind us of how far the four of them have come together and how they’ve changed each other’s lives. Changes aint over. Ryan says he has to help Theresa- he’s going back to Chino. Gasp!

Sometime later, the original OC kids are sitting glumly at the docks after Seth finds out that his buyer for the boat can’t get the money together. In a rather sweet and naïve line of thinking, Seth suggests they all get jobs and use their salaries to pay for an apartment for Ryan and Theresa so that Ryan can stay. The girls remind him that she wants to be with her family (obviously, she has not yet discovered the joys of the OC family). And suddenly the claws are out as they turn on each other, laying the blame for Ryan’s departure. You befriended Crazy!Oliver and drove him to Theresa’s bed! You used him to fight your battles and pick up chicks! Rowr! Hiss!

Switch to Sandy and Ryan in the poolhouse. Sandy is taking one last shot at getting Ryan to stay, and there’s a sappy moment when Ryan tells him that he taught him to protect his family. It’s all very touching and bittersweet, and I can’t be bothered to give you more detail than that.

And on to the main of event: The Wedding! Does anyone else get the feeling that when this scene takes place, everyone is going to fall apart? I mean, literal rifts springing up within the cast? And it’s funny because weddings are meant to bring people together. (This symbolism report brought to you by St. Joseph’s Academy: Educating Young Women for over 130 years). You will be interested to not that Julie is wearing white (scoff!) and the bridesmaids are wearing red (double scoff!) Pretty much everyone is looking glum except for Juju. It’s like her joy exponentially grows in relation to the misery of those around her.

On to the reception! I think we can all agree this is the best part. Let me have my cake and catered food over vows and pomp any day. People are smiling now, so my guess is that someone broke open the champagne. Some Pretty Young Songstress is singing a cover of, “Amazed,” and StickGirl approaches Ryan at a significant moment to ask him to dance with her. Marissa sobs (stepped on her foot I guess) and tells him she understands why he has to do this but she wishes he didn’t have to. She then tells him she loves him, and much like the first time she said it, he just looks sucker-punched and doesn’t say a word. There are no words for his love? Eh. Maybe he just forgot to have an emotion again. All around them, people are dancing a little too enthusiastically for the song the audience is hearing. Huh.

Off in the moody distance, Seth sits on a hill with Summer and bitches about Ryan leaving. Summer tries to remind him that he still has her, and he doesn’t seem to think this is a fair trade.

Okay, now for the long good-byes to start.
Sandy and Kirsten: Kiki makes him a lunch for the road and offers to learn how to cook if he stays. He looks sheepish. Ryan thanks them for letting him stay and tells them it was a great year. Sigh, yes it was, Ryan. They all hug.

Seth: As any good teenager, Seth is drowning his sorrows in depressing mood music. When Ryan comes to say good-bye, he acts like a little bitch and refuses to really look at him. He does offer to take the nanny graveyard shift, but he loses cute points when he tosses aside the map of Tahiti Ryan gives him as a parting gift. He puts his earplugs back in, and just like that, Ryan and Seth break up.

And now for the requisite end-of-season music montage.

Marissa is at her curb with luggage for her new home as Ryan and Theresa pass by her on the way to Chino. It’s the same scene from a few months ago when Ryan first arrived on the scene, and she’s picked up by a limo instead of an SUV.

Seth is ominously packing his stuff and also leaving. Leaves pathetic notes for family and Summer (yeah, that ought to pacify them).

Marissa walks into her big, beautiful home looking scowly.

Seth is untying his boat. He’s getting the hell out if town.

Kiki washes sheets.

Ryan watches his world disappear through the car window. Theresa notices him looking forlorn.

Seth is sailing out to sea.

Kiki is sobbing in Ryan’s empty bedroom. Sandy comes in to comfort her.

Marissa stands on one of her many balconies and chugs vodka. Woohoo! The party girl is back!

Seth is still sailing out to sea.

Kiki is still crying. I have to wonder if she knows her real son is gone yet.

Ryan is still staring out the window.

Seth is still sailing out to sea.

Aaaaaaaand…. Scene.

The End is Near

2004-05-06T13:27:00.000-05:00

Don't worry, The Noelle. The update is on the way. Surely you can give me to the weekend, right? It'll be the last update for a while, so you should want to stretch it out as long as possible.

To tide you over, here are some important elements: catfights, baby's daddy, white lights, pudding, black eye, white wedding, and Summer Breeze.

The Strip from hell

2004-05-03T22:08:00.000-05:00

It’s a dark and stormy night. False. It’s just dark—it never rains in Southern California. Ryan is sleeping on Seth’s floor and Seth whispers, “Are you awake?” I hate it when people do this. Either way the person is going to be awake once you’re done asking them. (Or you can do what Lennie does and wait until someone moves a little, decide she is awake, and engage her in conversation even if the individual responds by putting pillows over her head.) Sure enough, Ryan is awake, though begrudging. Seth wants to talk about Summer, and when Ryan tries to brush him off, Seth has the decency to point out all of Ryan’s girl troubles. Quick recap: The old girl next door is staying in his bed since her boyfriend hit her and the new ex girlfriend is none too pleased. Ryan assures him Marissa is A-okay, but he looks as convinced as the rest of us that that is true. He rolls over briefly, and then says, “Yeah, let’s go see how long Theresa is staying.” They make haste to the poolhouse where Theresa is looking shifty. She tells them she’ll be gone soon to stay with her cousin in Atlanta; she just needs to get together some money. Ryan and Seth suggest that she ask the Cohens for help, but she says she can’t rely on the Cohens for the rest of her life. “Sure you can,” says Seth, “I intend to.” At least he’s honest. Seth can help because his mom has lots of toiletries to share. That’s helpful. Does she also have diapers? Because as soon as the boys leave the poolhouse, Theresa pulls an imitation EPT out of her purse. She just stares at it, but it’s my impression that she also intends to use it. Need I even say, “I told you so”? No, I think I’ll stick with, “I am the smartest girl alive.”

California here we come. Right back where we started from.

Clare mutes the commercials. This makes me unreasonably nervous. I think I have a problem.

In the obligatory kitchen scene, the Gruesome Twosome joins Kirsten and Sandy. I have a new theory. Caleb is not marrying Juju for love, that much is obvious. He’s up to something else.. In the meantime, they are still debating where to hold the wedding, which I find incomprehensible. My sister booked her wedding chapel 10 months in advance and still didn’t get her first choice time. So they’re having breakfast together and it turns out that Caleb has been telling Kirsten he’s too busy with the wedding to help her and telling Julie he’s too busy with work to plan the wedding. Fishy little bastard. It then comes to light that Caleb will be out of town for the weekend on business. In Nevada. In Las Vegas. Not having a bachelor party. Naturally, Sandy wants to go because he hates Caleb and wants to make his life miserable. When I hate someone, I stay away from him or her. Obviously, that does not lead to drama, which is why I do not have my own show. And when Seth and Ryan also jump aboard, no one protests, which I find interesting. Perhaps they are progressive. Californians and all. Also of note is that they refer to it as “The Vegas.” Adding “The” to the beginning of proper nouns is cool now. I have decided to refer to one of my friends in that way. Give me a reason to pick you. It will be fun.

At Jimmy’s, Sandy comes in to ask his new partner in crime to join him in the Vegas. Jimmy is awash with excitement over the house he intends to purchase to live in with Marissa. Just curious- what about his other daughter that we never see? Why isn’t he fighting for her given how awful Juju is? He will go to the Vegas though because he is always happy to bow to the man that took Juju away from him. This is a far cry from the man that was devastated when his wife left him. They are ust about to part ways when the peppy realtor with the red suit drops by and casually mentions that the land the restaurant is on has been sold for building more mini malls. Uh oh. I sense another worthless adult plot.

At the high school, in which people only seem to hang out in the lounge and not go to class, Marissa is talking about killing people. Caleb mostly. Ryan seems zoned out, which makes sense given that he’s only in it for the ass. He does perk up long enough to mention that he intends to go to Vegas and makes the mistake of feeling bad about it because it will leave Theresa alone. Marissa, HIS GIRLFRIEND, looks ready to kill him. Yeah, remember who you’re dating here, slick. Still, she assures him she will watch Theresa for him. “Any friend of yours is a friend of mine,” she chirps. Riiiight. “Any ex-girlfriend is fair game for me to watch like a hawk,” she means.

Oddly enough, Julie who previously distanced herself from her white trash roots is now demanding full frontal nudity strippers and bottomless margs for her bachelorette party. “We don’t need strange naked men dancing in front of us to be entertained,” Kirsten tells her; they are strong, smart women and that is unnecessary. I am obligated here to say something like, “If that’s not how you have fun, then I have been wrong for years.” But we all know that would be untrue. I live a stripperless life and am quite content. Julie whines that she is not as smart as Kirsten and anyway, the boys are getting strippers. SO we strive to be dumb and do what the boys do now? Didn’t we move past that? Juju also suggests a place called The Petting Zoo that isn’t strictly legal. This seems to shake some sense into Kiki who reluctantly agrees to hire a real stripper. Jules beams, “You’ll be helping a little stripper make his way in the world. But he better not be little.” Classsssy.

Elsewhere, Seth is checking with Summer to ensure she’s okay with him going to Vegas, you know in case they are still dating. She’s all distant and miffed. He finally lays it on the line, “Are you going to break up with me over your dad?” Summer is quiet and finally says, “He’s my dad.” Comic Book Boy finally grows a spine and tells her if liking her a lot isn’t enough, then he’s going to Vegas. I wish I could do that when someone doesn’t like me. Saying, “Fine, then I’m going to go find another jerk to screw me over,” doesn’t seem as therapeutic.

At the poolhouse, Theresa is telling Ryan her plan to go to Atlanta. Aw, that’s too bad. Marissa wanted them all to hang out. (Snicker). Theresa refuses Ryan’s money and says again, “This is not your responsibility.” Ah, but it could be, huh, Mamacita? (Hey, she really will be a Mamacita. Haha!)

Later, Marissa and Seth offer to pool their money to buy Theresa a ticket, and I’m slightly laughing. While Seth seems genuinely willing to help, Marissa’s reasons are as transparent as Natty Light. Ryan refuses them, up until Seth has the brilliant idea that they gamble his savings in Vegas to make more money. But hold up- how can they gamble? They aren’t of age! And no one on this show is going to break the law. Pshaw. But lo and behold- Seth produces fake I.D.s. Just like that. “Oh hey, look what I have- fake I.D.s.” Some of us have to buy new licenses for our older cousins for such a treat. (Oh, come on, Mom. You knew about that.) It’s decided that Marissa will stay and entertain Theresa and the boys will head off to Vegas for an obvious Bad Plan.

Shot of Vegas! The Lights! The Action! It’s Crazy! Mostly, I’m intrigued by the stretch red vehicle with the flames painted on the side that the OC boys step out of. Where on earth do you find such a car and who has the moxy to actually ride in such a vehicle? Everyone other than Caleb looks delighted, and we are instantly treated to a brief infomercial for the Hard Rock Hotel. The penthouse, with its own bowling alley is all ready for them, arranged by Seth. Seth smiles at his dad, “I put in on the old man’s card.” In the hotel room, the boys squee over the lanes and Caleb mumbles, “It’s a million dollar frat house.” Not so, friend. Frat houses have the added benefit of frat sludge to cause girls to fall on the floor. I doubt the Hard Rock could buy that kind of perfection. Seth and Ryan are all ready to tour the gambling floor with the sales lady, but she knowingly asks to see ID because it would be a shame to kick out kids trying to use fakes. Please, all they do is take the fake away. And look amused. The boys casually put their wallets away, but unphased, Seth says, “I love the hotel. I want to marry the hotel and have little alcoholic gambling babies with the hotel.” That may pose an anatomic problem. But it would be fascinating to watch.

Okay, back to Caleb. I’m just going to sum up the rest of his story line here because it is dull. Basically, he’s not there to see strippers, but he is there to ink a land deal that would sell the restaurant he just bought from the Frat Boys. Sandy calls him out on it in front of the buyer and Jimmy punches him when Ryan lets it slip that Marissa has a deal to live with him. Wouldn’t it be awesome if he has a black eye for the wedding? Two months ago, my sister went skiing, and my mother was terrified that she would break her leg and have a cast for the wedding. I personally thought that would be hysterical. I find much of The Wedding funny, but I have learned a hard truth: Weddings are not funny. Ever. Particularly to the bride.

At Coop’s condo, Summer and Haley join her to watch The Valley. How curious that they continue to watch it even after the lead character turns out to be a lothario. Ah well. Haley does not seem impressed by the show. As an aside, the DJ on the radio this morning tried to say that no one over 21 watches the OC. This is obviously untrue as seen by the adult storylines. They wouldn’t include those snooze-fests if some oldsters weren’t watching. Anyway, Marissa tells Haley they have to watch The Valley to comfort Summer- her dad doesn’t approve of her boyfriend and it’s killing her. They all start complaining about parental disapproval, and Haley pushes it a little too far when she says, “ Well they have to disapprove or the sex isn’t good.” Let’s keep in mind that Haley is dating Marissa’s father. Uck. Overshare.

Kiki arrives on the scene to ask Haley to get a stripper for Juju’s party, you know, since she used to be one and all. I’m surprised when Haley doesn’t bitch her out, but I guess she knows it’s true. Strippers do hang out together you know. They have unions. Haley is unimpressed by Julie because she marries people for money, and anyway, why does Kirsten help her in the first place? “Does she have a picture of you wearing culottes?” Not baggy shorts! Anything but that! Haley does assent though, and I sense the same breed of passive aggression in her that we often see in Marissa. Rowr.

At the Hard Rock, bikini clad gamblers frolic on the fake beach. Of note: Seth proudly shows off his bod while Ryan walks around fully clothed. I’m betting Ryan is too cool for swimsuits. I bet he swims in jeans. Real Men swim in jeans because it’s heavier and it proves how strong they are. Regardless, Seth is reveling that he has not thought about Summer in 20 minutes, which means he’s thinking about her, but I don’t quibble. And he would completely talk to other girls, but he doesn’t want to bother them. Ryan is all ready to drop expression #4 on us (knowing smirk) when a random girl grabs Seth and kisses him. Boys, just to clear it up, this will not happen to you if you go to Vegas. Don’t be fooled. It turns out the dame is trying to look like a guest so she won’t get kicked out of the pool. Seth is just picking his jaw up off the floor when his phone rings, and it’s Summer. She sounds all set to reconcile, father be damned, when RandomGirl grabs him for another kiss. Summer hears her say, “You’re a good kisser,” and that’s all it takes for her inner bitch to bring her tears to a screeching halt. She hangs up in indignation, and Marissa suggests a girl’s night for doing anything Summer wants. Summer wants to kick Seth’s ass. “I’ve been crying actual tears and he’s kissing randoms.”

Sum-where in Vegas, Seth says, “Summer is going to kick my ass.” He doesn’t have time to fear the wrath of a women cell phone scorned because the Random is asking them to join her for a high stakes poker game in a seedy area of town. And what do the sweet underagers from upper class Newport Beach do? They go of course.

Left alone with Theresa, Marissa tries valiantly to make conversation. They could order in sushi? You can practically see the fetus shake its finger at Theresa as she says no. Okay, wanna crack open some beers? “Uh, I can’t.” “Haha. You don’t want sushi and you can’t have beer. Sounds like you’re pregnant.” There’s a very “pregnant” pause and the light goes on over Marissa’s nutrient deprived brain.

Back to The Strip. Hard core music is playing in the back room poker club so that we know it’s hard-core. Turns out, these tough guys do not play for fun, as should be obvious from their trucker hats, plaid shirts, gold chains, and dour expressions. Toss Ryan an accessory, and he should be fine. He antes up a little reluctantly and Seth ponies up to another observer and says, “Howdy.”

Back in the maternity ward, Theresa admits that she hasn’t told anyone, especially not Ryan, and it’s killing her. Marissa assures her she won’t spill the beans, but is curious what she will do. Given that Marissa does not yet know about Theresa and Ryan’s little rendezvous, it’s possible that she is delighted at the possibility that Theresa is about to get stretch marks and baggage. Theresa says she doesn’t have money to go to Atlanta, let alone money to “deal with this.” Shock and awe. Is The OC about to address abortion? Nope. In the next moment, Marissa tells her to talk to Eddie, but Theresa refuses because, “he would say it isn’t his.” Doesn’t take long for Marissa, private eye, to piece that one together. Looks like Ryan has bigger worries that some surly truckers. Skinny, pissed off she-devils are a little more threatening.

Seth is sipping a shot of unidentifiable variety through a straw (that’s adorable) while Ryan faces off with the trucker hat red neck. I shall call him Slim. I know some vague poker terminology, but I honestly have no idea what is going on. So I’ll cut to the chase: Ryan wins the hand and enough money to help Theresa. Trucker looks surlier, and Ryan quickly ushers Seth out despite his pleas to gamble more for a jaunt to Europe. Please, Seth. All you have to do is tell your parents that Ryan has never been to Europe and they’ll send you over there so fast you will hardly have time to pick up your passport. Ryan wants to get away from the vengeful players, but Seth counters, “Maybe he’s angry because he found out people don’t wear trucker hats anymore.” And how. Oh well, if we can’t gamble away our life savings, let’s invite the Random back to the penthouse for bowling! She kisses Seth again and Ryan either looks pissed off or pleased. I can’t really tell.

At non-classy stripper hour, Kiki passes out the drinks and snags a few for her self, but Juju just wants to see some flesh. There’s a knock at the door and Ju is aquiver with the anticipation of “signing for the UPS man’s package,” but it’s only Haley. She exchanges catty banter with Juju and gestures to the firemen entering behind her. Who wants one oiled up stripper when you can have four of various ethnicities and sizes? They even ask, “Is it hot in here or is it just me?” This is much like the favored freshman year pick up line in Page House, “I’m so hot right now. Oh, and it’s kind of warm in here.” Before we know it, there’s table dancing and shot taking. Who knew the Newport socialites could be so raunchy? Kiki escapes to the kitchen, but she doesn’t fool me- I saw her smiling at stripper #2. She’s just in time to answer a call from Sandy where they commiserate on the sin surrounding them, but, “Theme strippers? You gotta love that.” You know what we don’t see enough of? Social work strippers. It would be the perfect way for us to supplement our income and who doesn’t love a hot do-gooder? Yeah, we’ll do you good.

Hurricane Summer arrives at the hotel ready to put Seth back in his whipped place. Unfortunately, she doesn’t really know how to spell his name (typical WASP). She better hurry up to the penthouse because RandomGirl is giving him his own private strip show and reminding him that his girlfriend doesn’t even know how to spell his name (Well, she can’t know that. But she can know that there is trouble in paradise.) Just then, Summer bursts, ready to bust some balls, and shrieks, “Get away from him, whore.” Seth assures she is no whore; she’s a college student. First, what on earth is a college student doing with a high school kid? “Oh, I’d love to get drinks tonight. Sadly, I have the PSAT in the morning.” Second, Seth should know that all college students are whores to something, whether it be sleep or KFC. Some people will even do it for oatmeal raisin cookies. Summer apologizes for calling Random a whore, but continues to address her as skank. RandomSkank is then joined by her friends… and her pimp. So she is a whore! Summer has radar for this sort of thing. The pimp pretty much threatens to beat them within an inch of life (In the words of Harris Ruben, “An inch of my life? I can handle that”) if he doesn’t get paid $5000 for the use of his lovelies. Summer looks smug at all of this. What is it with mean spirited girls in this show? Was Anna the only sweet one?
And now Seth is hating the Vegas. Summer is taking great pains to be catty about the whole issue and Seth is digging right back at her about her dad. They’re so busy sparring, Seth lets the obvious cat out of the bag and tells her that he only made a fool of himself in front of her father because he was nervous and knew how important it was to her. And then because she really gets it and Summer uses material goods to express love, she offers her allowance/$500 to help pay the pimps for the lady escorts. Might I also add that that pimp was not at all like the ones I would expect? Where are the boas and sparkly sunglasses? To answer their money woes, RandomWhore suggests that they rejoin the poker game.

Juju is having strip issues of her own as oiled fireman #2 is asking her to join him after the party for a private show. Julie primly tells him she’s getting married after the party, but her wedding is remarkably further away when he starts playing with the fringe on her shirt. And by fringe I mean the little pieces of fabric hanging off her shirt. What did you think I meant? Ju rushes off to find her handbag and that gives Haley the opening to cozy up to fireman #2. Juju puts it together in her head that Haley knows the stripper and Haley might tell her father if Ju gets oiled up with the stripper. So she does what any aggressive socialite would do and immediately confronts Haley. Haley calls her out on her “marriage for money” ways, and that’s all it takes to get the catfight started. There is hair pulling and fingernails scratching, and I swear that I even hear a “mrow” in there. And wait for it…they fall into the pool and get (shockingly) all wet. Chick fight in water! Who says that guys can’t enjoy this show? Oh, and in case anyone is keeping score, Kiki throws back a drink in the midst of the chaos.

Back to poker night with Ocean’s 11. Remember that scene with the young Hollywood stars learning poker tricks from Brad Pitt? Yeah…that was awesome. (Chris Farley Show anyone?) We can see from the pleased expression of the trucker’s face that Ryan is nearly out of the game. Sure enough, he backs away from the table and asks RandomWhore for more money. (“Give me my money, bitch!”) She protests until Ryan slyly reminds her that Trucker is feeling awfully confident right now, nudge nudge. She takes the hint, and the next shot we see is Ryan wearing a trucker hat with the reunited Seth and Summer Ryan at his side. Amidst the bright lights, they discuss the Keyser Soze-ing of Trucker. (Yeah, that’s right. I just made it a verb.) Ryan did use his street smarts enough to pay back the pimp, but they still have nada for Theresa, the European trip, and the Seth Cohen fund. I guess it’s just going to be one of those nights you get to talk about later. Then Seth throws the trucker hat over a bridge, which would piss me off. It’s not everyday you win the hat off a trucker’s head—shouldn’t you put it in a trophy case or something? Of note: new Beastie Boys song playing in the background. Surprised they allowed that.

But we didn’t think Ryan was going to get off scott free, did we? He shows up at Marissa’s all boyish and confused when she greets him with malice. (I think malice is a pretty word. It’s too bad it’s not a friendly word.) Ryan thinks she’s mad that he told her dad about her deal with the devil, and yeah she is. But she’s a little more upset at the prospect of playing step-mom to his baby with Theresa. His face falls (eh…more like expression #1) and she cries. Ryan looks like he is trying to think fast, but we all know that’s a near impossibility.

Heads up: the season finale in this Wednesday. I don’t care that I have several papers due and that there are thesises (thesisi? theses?) afoot. I will be watching, and I would like company. I may even provide some sort of refreshments. It’s just an hour of time because I really can’t handle more than that, but I strongly encourage attendance. You can watch the master at work.

Fade to black.

The Weak Excuse

2004-04-28T23:45:00.000-05:00

I'm almost finished with the update for the week but I am tired. Expect it later if you are actually here first thing in the morning on Thursday. To tide you over: BenMack was rumored to be attending the annual Foxfield races in Charlottesville this past weekend. For the unendoctrinated, Foxfield is a horse race attended yearly by everyone at UVA. I am not kidding, EVERYONE. Frats, anti-frats, the newspaper kids, the stoners, the normals, professors.... everyone. Basically, everyone gets dressed up to stand in the mud and be very drunk on the weekend before finals start. Usually, attendees do not see horses, but you will absolutely see a desperate sorority girl peeing behind a truck. Anyway, almuni frequently make cameos, and BenMack was expected to join in the preppy revelry. According to my sources still in the Ville, he was not there. I choose to believe he was, but he blended in with rebel loner kids too well

The Shower (brought to you this April in hopes that May will flower)

2004-04-22T00:27:00.000-05:00

The scene opens on a rather gaudy wedding invitation. I’m not a wedding expert, but I have been a little super-saturated with wedding etiquette. The thought of a ribbon marring the flawless Crane invite would send my sister into her second wedding related meltdown. (She gets to have three before my dad calls the whole thing off. I’m not kidding. It’s a real policy.) I’m surprised Julie the bridezilla would approve this choice. Anyway, the point is that the wedding is in two weeks. The whole Cohen happy family is in the kitchen grousing about the impending nuptials and Sandy laughs at the, “shock and awe approach to courtship.” He’s feeling a little warmer to Caleb these days for buying the restaurant, and Ryan is feeling warmer now that he and Marissa are glued at the hip again. They ask him if that means Theresa is really over, and his answer is a little less firm than I think Marissa would like to hear. That awkward moment is relieved when Seth points out that Julie getting married to Caleb makes pretty much everyone on the show related. It wouldn’t be a soapy funfest if intermarriages didn’t cause incest. Julie Cooper will be a grandma. This is more amusing to me than any other aspect of the impending incest jokes. Mama Cooper, MILF, is about to become GILF. Hahah. Just as we’re getting lured into a false sense of security that this episode will be all about the Caleb/Juju wedding festivities, Theresa calls for Sandy from a pay phone asking for legal advice with a black eye. Aw snap.

(Imagine that little instrumental at the beginning of the credits here)

At Kirsten’s office, Julie barges in while Kiki is on a very important call. (I would like to note here that everyone talks about how Kirsten is so busy and important and this is one of the first times we’ve actually seen her look that way.) Julie is all hyped up about the wedding—“You have no idea how hard it is to plan a spectacular wedding in two weeks.” Preach it, Jules. Apparently it’s impossible to plan one in 10 months judging the level of hysteria in my family at the moment. Anyway, gotta love it when Jules rages against the wedding planner’s impatience with her music choices. “Bob Segar is not ‘so over’.” This is also when Julie asks Kirsten to be her maid of honor and calls Kiki her best friend. Wtf? Is this the same Julie that used to hold Kirsten at a distance because she used to date her husband? Suddenly chummy. Can’t you just hear her saying, “Kirsten, I want to be the best new mommy for you!” Yikes. Conveniently, the maid of honor is supposed to hold a shower for the bride (Uh oh, I should get on that).

At the school coffee bar/pool hall/ arcade, Marissa and Ryan are talking about the couple’s shower. You have to think that at some point, the writers for this show just thought it would be really funny to have a party in every show. More notable is her rather cute bag that she carries her books in—can’t be good for her back, but beauty knows no pain. I’m a little irritated by the next exchange where Ryan encourages her to stand her ground and not help with the shower and she says, “Standing my ground was never my strong suit.” “Yeah, that’s true,” says Ryan. I would love to use this as a platform for a feminist manifesto, but no one is here for that except maybe Noelle. Suffice it to say that I am unamused that everyone seems to be okay that Marissa prefers to be rescued rather than fight her own battles. On a nearby sofa, Seth and Summer contemplate the new and improved Marissa and Ryan that don’t thrive in angst. They laugh! They play Pac-man! Stop the madness. Then Summer’s phone rings and she acts all flirty and ditzy on the phone, and… it’s her dad. (Shudder.) She tells Seth that her dad is her best friend and that’s just how they talk. Hold up! What about Marissa? Seth seems relieved that Summer has a parent and was not, “hatched in a lab or from a pod.” I don’t know. It kind of seems like a comic book geek would be excited if his girlfriend hatched in a lab. Maybe I’m stereotyping. Meanwhile, Seth wants to meet her dad- parents love him. Summer assents, but says the step-monster will have to wait. She’s at an anxiety ranch or something. I hope she’s there to reduce anxiety and not induce it. I would hate to think that there is such a wealthy population in our country that some people would seek out anxiety attacks for kicks. Seth seems pretty confident, which doesn’t bode well, and he says, “Your dad won’t need a menu because he’s gonna be eating out of the palm of my hand.” Poor guy. He’s doomed.

At some chic restaurant, Theresa and Sandy meet up to talk shop. Sandy notes the black eye, and Theresa makes excused for Eddie. As a social worker, I find this whole storyline pretty upsetting. Here’s my PSA: It’s completely accurate that the victim of abuse will stand by her man and keep going back and say, “This time will be different.” I have a pretty hard time joking about this because of the actual clients I have with this situation, so I apologize for being too serious tonight. Anyway, Sandy encourages her to leave him and tells her what would happen if she presses charges.

In Seth’s room, Summer shows up to set some ground rules for the meeting with Poppa Plastic. (I can’t remember her last name just now, so that will have to do.) He should sit in good light, not eat greens, and resist sarcasm. Apparently defying any of those will make him look weak. Wow. My Dad has slightly different criteria - he prefers that potential suitors have no access to vans of any kind and he welcomes offerings such as rhubarb pie. This is tricky because if you cook rhubarb the wrong way, it’s toxic. I think my Dad is worried about paying for another wedding and is using this as a discouragement. Also, everyone note that Summer says she loves her Dad, she LIKES Seth, and so her Dad should like him too. The deliberate use of the word “like” seems to knock Seth’s confidence a notch. Danger. Heartbreak dead ahead.

Ew. Ew. EW. We are now treated to heavy petting between Haley and Jimmy, who mercifully stop when they realize they could scar Marissa if she walks in. Which she does two seconds later and is not fooled for an instant. She’s cool with it, and I’m guessing that’s mostly because it will send her mother into a hissy fit. It also comes up that Jimmy plans to buy a new house now that the restaurant has served him up a 2 million dollar paycheck, and Marissa looks awkward with the knowledge that she won’t be living with him and he doesn’t know it thanks to her deal with the devil last time.

On to the happy shiny foursome! Don’t get too used to this saccharine state of affairs. For now, the two young and beautiful couples are laughing about Seth meeting Summer’s dad. Meanwhile, Kirsten and Sandy eavesdrop from the kitchen and agree that Ryan can’t know about Theresa. He will likely kick Eddie’s ass and end up back in juvie. Huh. If I were they, I would be more worried that Ryan would kick MY ass when he finds out that I hid the truth. For future reference: notice that Kiki drinks when she’s stressed. In fact, rarely an episode passes when she doesn’t have a piece of priceless crystal stemware dangling from her fingers. Faithful reader Lennie out of the Ville suggests that an alcoholism story could be in the future. The jury is out, but stay tuned.

Later, Ryan watches as Seth tries to pick a shirt to wear to his test run with Poppa Plastic. Seth is rambling about spinning a web of lies to gain his trust and Ryan sagely notes that talking like that won’t win any points. Seth knows he’s doomed. If he can’t use sarcasm to defend himself, what does he have left? Babbling? Captain Oats the plastic horse? Ryan leaves Seth to his pity party and runs to greet Marissa at the door. Marissa is there to discuss the shower with Kirsten, but her mom is also over to discuss the wedding and there’s a tense moment as they face off. Julie simpers a little and tries to ingratiate herself, but Marissa rebuffs her. See, you can stand your ground, StickGirl! Ju leaves in the face of Marissa’s Cold War, and Marissa gets a slightly manic grin when Kirsten notes that the guest list doesn’t include any of Julie’s family. Marissa reveals Julie doesn’t talk to her parents, but she does talk to her sister Cindy. I’ve said it before—Marissa is a little more evil than anyone knows. Watch out for that. It’s like that book CS Lewis wrote, The Screwtape Letters, where the supposed devil reveals the best way to trap someone in the past. Subtle, effective, and more painful.

In a hidden room some where (probably not hidden, but I’ve always wanted one of those), Caleb passes out $2 million checks to Jimmy and Sandy as if he’s handing out fliers for Jesus at Mardi Gras. In his wake, the two men marvel at the generosity. Jimmy wonders, “Are we family? I don’t know, I can’t keep track.” For the record, they are not. Jimmy is divorced from Caleb’s future wife, which makes him the lone ranger in this whole ordeal. Until he marries Haley, and things become infinitely more problematic for Marissa. Sandy is cool with cash, but says, “I thought we would be saved by meatloaf and dirty martinis.” Me too, man, me too. Well, deviled eggs and vodka tonics, but close.

And then we meet Aunt Cindy. Even though I have no doubt that her Zodiac shirt costs more than I pay for food in a week, she is portrayed as white trash. Evidence: frequent references to jello shots. Here’s the thing: the upper class tries to turn up their collective nose at drinks that wiggle, but I’ve seen Al Gore’s niece and her haute couture cronies put away jello shots with the best of them. Marissa and Ryan enter just as she’s finishing off a story involving Juju and her former heavy metal fixation, and Kirsten looks like she may be wise to Marissa’s scheme when Cindy adds that she hasn’t spoken with Julie in 7 years. Hey, I wonder if their other sisters have names that end with “ie” or “y”. Like, Missy, Wendy, Callie, or Sluttie. Before Kiki has a chance to reprimand StickGirl, Julie strolls in and freezes at the sight of her prodigal sister. Yeah, take that bitch.

We cut to lunch at with the Plastics and Seth. Given a previous episode in which Seth talked to his lobster before eating it, I don’t have high hopes for him. He talks about Chrismukkah, he tries to explain the literary world of comic books, and he’s wearing a plaid shirt with a tie. Aw, honey. Summer looks mildly uncomfortable, but Seth really seals his fate when he asks if Poppa Plastic even likes comic book star, “Iceman… he freezes things.” Yeah, like Seth. Poor kid is about to be frozen out of the plastic world. Really too bad because he was starting to thaw Summer’s icy heart. I guess happy couples aren’t very entertaining. He really puts the icing of the cake by asking if Summer has more, “vim or vigor.” A tip for Seth: using any words such as “vigor” that at all suggest that Daddy’s little girl might be good in the sack probably isn’t going to go over well.

Back at the Cohens, Haley and Jimmy are just about to fess up to their little love connection, when they come up with the brilliant excuse that the timing isn’t right. Fools. Hiding things never worked out for anyone on the show. Sure enough, just when the timing couldn’t be worse, Juju swings open the door in her flight from Cindy and sees her ex making out with her future stepdaughter. Here’s my thought on timing: it’s never good, ever. So get off your ass and just do what it is you have to because you never really know how much time you have.

Marissa is cackling over her revenge plot in the cake shop with Ryan, and they’re having a staged cake fight with the samples (“Tee hee. Ryan, stop shoving cake in my mouth! No really, jackass, I have no body fat. If I eat anything it immediately appears as a growth on my abdomen.”). Just when they’re looking particularly joyous and coupled off, they catch sight of Theresa who is moonlighting at this bakery. Before we know it, Ryan has completely discarded StickGirl for Mamacita, and the latter lets it slip that Sandy knows about her less than stellar finance. I sense Ryan waging his own Cold War pretty soon. Meanwhile, you can just see Marissa’s thoughts going, “Abuse? I can’t trump that! Think! There’s got to be another crisis to get him back over here…”

At the Cohen mansion, Sandy tells Kiki he’s going to Chino to give Eddie a good scare, legal style. Kirsten channels her inner social worker and suggests that he go after Theresa instead. It’s true: you may never change an abuser, but it’s possible to convince the victim to leave. She also encourages him to match Ryan “glare for glare.” Which he does as pops up in the poolhouse. He points out the faults in the plan to kill Eddie (you know, jail), but Ryan doesn’t make any promises to be a good little rebel and brood in silence.

Seth swings by the plastic palace to pick up Summer and tries to extract some kind of information about Poppa Plastic’s assessment of lunch. Summer artfully dodges around her room and his questions. Seth tries to point out the moment he shared with her dad over the breadbasket and she says, “Didn’t clock that.” Considering she won’t look at him and won’t really talk to him, Poppa Plastic had some choice words of the negative variety. In our family, we call it getting removed from the Rolodex. Basically, we give everyone a fair shot at getting an entry in the Rolodex— we meet you and we give you your own little card. But you screw up once and you’re out. There’s a ceremony. My sister had an ex-boyfriend that got kicked out of the Rolodex when he broke up with her. They got back together two weeks later, but my dad refused to give him another card. “No, Al, he has to earn his way back in.” Sure enough, they broke up again. What was I talking about again? Right, watch out for the disapproving father, boys. He will break you.

Theresa is hanging out at the Cohens looking very pensive and oddly dazzled by the pool. Hasn’t she seen chlorinated water before? Doesn’t she know it’s not really blue? Regardless, Ryan walks over looking all James Dean-ish and says that she should have told him. She tells him that it’s her problem and she wants him to stay out of it. Good girl. Don’t fall for the rescue trap. You’ll never get out if you don’t do it yourself. Ryan questions if she’ll stay with Eddie knowing he can hurt her. She says, “I’ll take self defense classes and we’ll live happily ever after.” Ryan rebukes her for joking (I love that word- “rebuke.” It sounds very stern.), and she delivers my favorite line of the night: “I joke because I’m tried of crying.” It’s like that shirt Clare has that says, “I used to be disgusted, but now I’m just amused.”

Sandy and Kirsten are in the kitchen discussing passion, the wedding, and the war in Iraq. Just kidding on the last one. There is no war in Iraq- we’re keeping the peace. Ryan and Theresa come in to the kitchen, and Kiki invites Theresa to use some concealer and go to the wedding shower with them. At this precise moment, Marissa rolls in looking fresh as a daisy and visibly falters when she sees Theresa. Marissa insists that she go to the shower (keep your enemies close), and they all proceed with fineness.

The shower is awash with pink ribbons and weird netting. This is vastly different from my sister’s wedding shower in which her friends made her reach into a bag and try to guess what piece of male anatomy she was touching (I’ll give you exactly one guess which piece.). All the Newport socialites are saying obligatory nice things and exclaiming about money. Kirsten and Julie watch with narrowed eyes as Cindy flirts with Caleb and Haley flirts with Jimmy. Really, I want to know why Jimmy was invited to his ex-wife’s wedding shower. Cindy is tossing around more white trash references (Monster trucks, whiskey, and Knott’s Berry Farm. What will be white trash next? The Pottery Barn?) Cindy suggests they all get tequila shooters, and I think I would pay money to see Caleb lick salt off someone’s chest to take his shot. You know, if he was a real person and I had money to burn.

Elsewhere, Summer is trying to shake Seth as she talks to randoms about yogalates.

Theresa finds Marissa in the catering tent. There’s a reason Marissa went out there, but I can’t recall. I imagine it was about her mom being a heinous bitch. Theresa gives a half-hearted speech about wanting Ryan to be happy and not telling him for that reason. I’m getting bored. She needs to tell someone that she’s with child soon so the real fun can begin.

In the middle of the party, Cindy starts the “How well do we know them game?” The point of all this is to reveal all of Julie’s dirty Riverside secrets (She likes cheeseburgers! The horror!) Ultimately, Julie stalks off.

In the catering tent with all the cool kids, Ryan meets his lovely ladies. They’re just about to be totally cool with each other when Theresa’s cell phone rings and it’s Eddie. Oddly, she has the same ringtone that I do and it throws me until I realize no one would call me during this time. Even my mom. We had a talk. She agreed that Wednesday from 8 to 9 can be a no fly zone, but she reserves the right to call at 9 AM on Sunday if the spirit moves her. Anyway, Ryan grabs the phone and warns Eddie to back off. Theresa tells him to stay out of it and he snaps back that by coming to the OC she made him a part of it. She tries to calm him but it quickly becomes obvious that Eddie has hit her before, and Ryan is gone in a flash to take revenge on her behalf. Stupid boys. He needs to take lessons from Marissa and just make Eddie’s life really really miserable.

Ryan steals the keys from Marissa’s purse at the party, and he even goes so far to mildly threaten Seth when he tries to stop him. Anger management issues? Savior complex? I would love to see this boy in therapy. Granted he would be a nightmare client, but just look at him. I really would like to view him. Marissa rushes into the party to find Ryan and Seth says he’s gone and, “Oh, he took your car.” No one makes a big enough fuss out of this. Warning: any boy that dares take my car without my express permission will feel the force of my subversive wrath.

Sandy catches him at the car. They fight. Ryan leaves anyway. Dull. Dramatic. But props for Sandy that seems to understand that Theresa is the one who needs help here, not Eddie.

There’s also a scene where Kirsten and Jimmy talk about her sister. She’s worried Haley is just using him to get back at her, he says that it’s not about her, and he wants her to be happy for him. She says, “Okay.” It clearly is not okay. Expect more boring adult drama with this later.

The Riverside girls sit together on a bench somewhere. It’s revealed that Cindy always wanted to leave Riverside too and thought they would leave together. She misses Ju, and she apologizes for ruining the shower. Caleb waltzes over and invites her to the wedding. Great, now that she’s coming back, she and Haley can bitch fight for Jimmy. Fun. As Cindy prances off, Julie asks if Caleb still wants to marry her despite her checkered past. (Please. If he wants to leave you for really getting into the 80s, he is completely not worth it.) Caleb says there is nothing he could find out about her that would make him walk away. Julie gets a, “Oh shit” face. Yeah, that’s right. If he knew about Luke, he might not say that. Guys are funny about sharing their spoils. It’s all related to evolutionary psychology, but I’ll save that for another time. Catch me at the end of the year party at our house, and I’ll expound upon it.

Seth finds Summer sitting along in a garden and notes how very similar this is to the years and years that she wouldn’t talk to him at all. He makes the accurate guess that Poppa Plastic did not appreciate his oddball charm. True. Summer calls it a train wreck even. Seth tries to make the best of things and says that next time he’ll be the strong silent type, or maybe just silent. Summer gives him a look clearly indicating there may never be a next time. She twists the knife a little and talks about her dad being her best friend, “and he’s never been wrong.” Seth tries to run interference and point out that she’s dating him, not her dad. It’s the two of them that matter, right? Summer cries. Yeah, maybe he’s not right. Never underestimate the importance of dad’s approval, Comic Book Boy. Summer leaves him alone and stunned. Me too. Who knew that feisty Summer would really allow her father to make such a big decision for her?

The Mermaid Inn returns!! Local smuthouse and meeting place for secret rendez-vouses is back! Theresa is staying there, and it turns out that Ryan decided to go to her rather than Eddie. He invites her to stay with the Cohens until she figures things out, and she agrees. Aw. He shows up with her in tow at the mansion, and Kirsten graciously shows her to the poolhouse and shoves Ryan toward Seth’s room. Ryan thanks Sandy for being cool. More aw. Note: My snark is getting weaker here because I’m ready to be done with this. My apologies.

Marissa shows up a little later looking for Ryan, and Kirsten tells her that he’s helping Theresa get settled. Sensing Marissa’s inner demon beginning to rally, she also tells her that Ryan loves her and not to worry. Right. Behold the apocalypse right in their backyard.

In Seth’s room, Ryan tries to apologize, but Seth brushes him off and tells him that Marissa is the one who should be hearing this. Seth looks very small and puppyish here as he holds Captain Oats in his hands. I told you not to count on the happy couple foursome for much longer.

At the pool, Marissa is staring into the water. She looks a little less dazzled than Theresa, so points there. Ryan joins her on the pool chair, and they embrace. He apologizes, she accepts, and he tells her they’ll get through it and be fine. Marissa smiles as he hugs her, but it quickly fades when she sees Theresa folding her clothes in the poolhouse. As if she can already sense Theresa’s bundle of joy, she tells Ryan tonelessly, “I think we are gonna be fine.” As the camera focuses on them for the last few moments and they both stare into space, there’s a profound sense that things are going to get much worse before they get better.

Or sleazier. To entice you back here next week: the previews are showing strippers in Vegas, Haley slapping Julie, and Marissa flippantly telling Theresa, “Sounds like you’re pregnant.”

So, let’s tally tonight. Julie is unsure about Caleb. Marissa is threatened by Theresa. Seth and Summer don’t know how to proceed. Jimmy is about to find out that his daughter can’t live with him anymore. We have an illegitimate child in the works, there’s a potential alcoholism story, everyone is dating each other’s former love, and domestic violence has reared its ugly head. Drama drama drama.

When it rains, it pours.

The (Indecent) Proposal

2004-04-14T23:55:00.000-05:00

There was this rare 50 Cent version of “Cry Me a River” that was out last summer during my beach week before graduation. Basically, it was 50 Cent yelling “YEEEAH!” in between verses, and then at the end he yelled, “Britney! Mascara running down yo’ face!” This is what I think of in the opening scenes tonight because all we see is Marissa crying with mascara running down. Surely Marissa has heard of waterproof mascara, but I suppose that would lack dramatic effect. Ryan, in true clueless boy form, seems baffled by her tears. (Really. Who does cry in the movies anymore? Wait, everyone? Are you sure? Great, another way that I’m abnormal.) The credits look vaguely like Moulin Rouge with the big red windmill, and Marissa says she’s really okay- “I’m emotionally stable.” Her friends don’t seem to think so, though, because as the Fantastic Four makes their way of the theatre, Seth and Summer seem hell bent on doing whatever the hell Marissa wants. They’ll even takes turns sleeping so that someone can always be awake, you know, in case she wants to talk or cry or run off to TJ and OD. Marissa the fighter says she’s perfectly fine, but I don’t think she will be for long. Just a few steps away, Julie and Luke are meeting for one last tryst, mostly because Luke has become relentless in his pursuit of Julie. Juju even says she had to block him from her buddy list. I’m curious… what would their screenames be? And why is Julie Cooper online so much? Online brothel? Predictably, Marissa spots them and runs for the door. Ryan follows her, but I’m really too impressed by Seth wearing Izod to notice. Summer is rubbing off on him, I believe.

Californiaaaa…. Californiaaaaa…..

Ryan is shirtless. Yes, folks, for lack of a better facial expression, Ryan is now shirtless. Seth comes in and is noticeably awkward, which begs the question: where has he been during gym class the past few years? He also asks if Ryan works out. “Not really, no.” “Yeah, me neither.” This is a lie. While Adam Brody is honing his craft, Ben McKenzie is working out. Ben may be studlier, but wouldn’t we all rather date Adam? Not that dating either one is an option, but consider it a generalization. Anyway, Ryan tells Seth rather casually that he’s off to find Luke and beat the crap out of him. Score! We’ll fix it with fists! That always ends well. But hark! Look no further, Luke arrives looking abashed! He reveals he has no one to talk to, he has no friends, and life is just sucky sucky sucky. He can’t even screw around with Julie anymore. I half expect Seth to say, “My, how the tables have turned,” but Luke drops the bomb that he’s leaving for Portland before Seth can be snide. I’m not sure why his leaving would make anyone nicer to him, but they seem to feel sorry for him and Ryan looks like he might help him talk to Marissa.

Part of the boring adult summary: There is some more adult story that’s half interesting, but I’ll get to that as it comes along. Basically, this week’s fancy gala is the opening for Sandy and Jimmy’s restaurant. There’s just one little kink in the plans: no liquor license. It was revoked. And as Sandy points out, if you build it and provide alcohol, they will come. No alcohol, no deal. So, he sets off to investigate what’s up, and he finds out that Jimmy screwed over the chair of the alcohol licensing board back when he was an embezzling jerk, and payback is a bitch. In be the end, they figure out they have to sell the restaurant to Caleb because they are nothing without him or alcohol. Oh, and Jimmy and Haley make googley eyes at each other and make out a little. Yawn.

At her dad’s apartment, Marissa opens the door to Summer, and her best friend bounces in to save the day. No need, Summer, the boys save the day on this show, and Ryan should be by any second to take her to lunch. It’s cool. Summer really has ulterior motives there- she wants to investigate Marissa’s room, but she doesn’t tell Marissa that because it’s all very sneaky and “While You Were Out”ish.

On the boardwalk, Marissa and Ryan debate Marissa talking to Luke. Marissa really just wants to let go of that part of her life. As she gazes into the distance looking lost and forlorn, White Knight Ryan steps up and says, “Hey, you know what we haven’t done in a while?” Bump noses! No, wait, he meant kiss. And just like that, they’re back together. Shouldn’t we at least get an impassioned speech or a, “You had me at hello?”

Summer and Seth are going to get it on in Marissa’s room. Psyche! They’re going to redecorate because her external state should reflect her internal state. As her current room in a mess, we can only assume she is an emotional wreck with an ironing board. Possibly, she also has parasites.

Lunch or making out? This is no real debate for the reunited Ryan and Marissa. Ryan may want to consider this. Sure, he may like having a slender girlfriend now, but what happens when she completely disappears from not eating? This is a real danger with Marissa. Just then, a knock at the door! No one ever randomly knocks at the door you know. We always know who’s there, thanks to the age of cell phones. Obviously, someone didn’t get the memo, because there’s Caleb, looking old and creepy. He wants to speak with Marissa alone, and she’s no fool- she insists Ryan should stay too. I’m briefly amused by the thought that Marissa should sleep with Caleb to get back at Julie, but this is really too sick in the end. And Ryan is just much cuter. Caleb starts off by saying that Julie is a wonderful woman. “She is?” Marissa marvels. Way to have a spine, Marissa! He then reveals his plan to ask Julie to marry him that night at the opening, and then he leaves. Marissa is stunned and also worried: if her mom marries Caleb, she’ll be the most powerful woman in Newport. The evil bunny could get fangs. I would like to register my shock that he’s proposing after breaking up with her for being so annoying. Julie Cooper must be really good in bed.

Luke is sitting looking defeated, when Ryan pulls up on his bike. (Somebody buy the kid a car already. My joke about this is getting old.) Seems that the Luke/Marissa thing isn’t going to happen. “Dude, I had your back on Oliver.” Yeah, that’s true. But unlike Luke, Ryan is not so much an obsessive that he’ll harass someone until they block him from the buddy list. (Possible Luke screename: Abercrombie&Bitch) Luke stalks off and we can guess this means that this is NOT over.

In Marissa’s troubled interior, Seth and Summer plot out their ultimate makeover. (This seems like a send up on The Swan to me. The whole point of that show is to infuse confidence. They may be on a similar track.) Summer finds a yearbook in the rabble and gets all excited about it, but Seth is suddenly shifty. My first guess is that there’s some awful picture of Summer laughing at him, but it’s actually multiple awful pictures of Seth being alone in various clubs. Yup, before Ryan showed up he was extremely uncool, lest we forget. I personally like the sailing club: “We never did get off the ground.” Haha. Puns. Summer asks if she was mean to him, and he says she just ignored him. Indifference is worse than hate any day. They muse on how much has changed since the last year, and really everyone is better off except for Luke…

Speaking of the Fallen Angel, Luke pulls up to opening night already drinking. Doesn’t he know that the restaurant is dry tonight? (Yeah right. God made airplane bottles so we can drink when we’re not supposed to.) Or you can just wear alcohol themed clothing, as seen as Marissa’s snazzy martini print number. My old roommate once dressed as a martini. She wore one of those cones they put around dog’s necks so they won’t lick themselves and she painted her head green to be the olive. Ah, Elaine. Anyway, Summer makes some code motions that look more a like a bad middle school line dance that Seth seems to interpret to mean he needs to un-gracefully exit to go redecorate Marissa’s room. His awkwardness and general un-smoothness is not lost on Marissa. She says, “He’s getting weirder.” “If that’s possible,” says Ryan. Yeah, but with Luke sucking as a friend and Anna already auditioning for new pilots, Seth and Summer are pretty much all they have. In the meantime, Luke remains outside drinking heavily. I love how this show masquerades as a soapy guilty pleasure when it really has all these moral undertones. In case you didn’t get it yet for this episode: Don’t drink away your problems, kids. Also, buy Izod.

In the restaurant, Caleb calls for attention, and Ryan and Marissa lock hands in anticipation of the following train wreck. Just when things can’t get worse, they see Luke stumble in. Personally, I’m looking forward to him drunkenly declaring his love for Julie in front of Caleb. They would possibly fight and they might actually be evenly matched in Luke’s state. Ryan goes to usher him out, but not before Juju sees him and looks slightly wistful. Before she can make the full expression, Caleb drops a knee. By the expressions spreading across the room, you would think he dropped a ‘bow. He presents Juju with an Emerald the size of Luke’s chin, which is currently hitting the floor. He then turns tail and darts with Ryan following. Ryan tries to get his keys, but Luke sprints off in a rather comical moment. I’m pretty sure it was supposed to be dramatic, but he looks like a five-year-old making off with his sister’s diary.

Marissa barrels out and Ryan demands her keys. She’s not in the mood to negotiate though and says Luke deserves what he gets. For anyone who rejoices in Marissa revealing her inner bitch, she doesn’t know that he’s drunk yet. Ryan reveals this and also that Luke is leaving, and suddenly Marissa is nice. What is it about a person leaving that makes us nice? If someone we don’t like is checking out, shouldn’t the sentiment be, “Good riddance”? This baffles me a little. Maybe if I cried in movies I would understand.

Back at the engagement party, alcohol suddenly appears, as everyone seems to need it. Julie Cooper in any position of power is frightening to anyone.

Back at Marissa’s mind makeover, Seth and Summer exchange witty banter over their project. My favorite: As Seth tries to put nails in the wall, “You have to find a stud.”
“You mean like you did, Summer?”
“You need a stud finder.”
“Aren’t you the stud finder, Summer?”
There’s another exchange about a leveler: “Don’t you know what a level is?”
“Yeah, it’s what you advance to in video games.”
I’m fairly impressed that Summer is made out to be the competent one here. Who knew that Daddy’s rich girl could fend for herself? Might I hazard a guess that Summer fends for herself quite a bit? Perhaps she’ll reveal her sad home to Seth soon. Seth is pretty much useless as Summer points out, “And I thought all you’d be good for is painting the ceiling.” (Note: I didn’t get this at all on first viewing. A friend that likes to point out how naive I am brought it to my attention. If you don’t get it, re-read and think. It shouldn’t take you long if you’re in the right frame if mind. I can’t be more explicit in case my mom stops by as she sometimes does.)

In an unknown locale, Luke is blaring, “Night Moves,” and drinking more. In case you forgot, this is the tune playing when he and Juju hit it the first time. Ryan calls looking for him and asks what he’s doing: “Having some booze, listening to some Segar. You know the drill.” I think Ryan speaks for us all when he says, “No, I don’t.” The drill doesn’t usually involve members of the Silver Bullet Band. In fact, it hasn’t involved them for years if it ever did. He hangs up on Ryan, kicks his truck, and drunk dials Julie. He slurs that he’s leaving and coming to find her. This reminds me of Max telling Liz in Roswell, “I’m coming for you, Liz.” Only it’s not quite as hot because he probably smells bad and he doesn’t have the intergalactic mojo going for him that Max did. Alas, Max was cancelled, so I’ll settle.

Sure enough, Luke and driving drunk lead to no happy place. When Marissa and Ryan find him, he’s on a stretcher with blood leaking from his scalp and his car totaled. I would say it’s the end for Luke, but they have to leave the door open for him to wreck Juju’s marriage. This is similar to Oliver returning to screw over Ryan again. They always come back to haunt you.

At the hospital, Marissa is weepy and feeling guilty because she was sort of hoping something like this would happen. Oddly, Summer and Seth were also summoned. I thought nobody liked Luke anymore. Funny how a little drunk driving will ruin your life but regain your friends. I mean, I know that happens. But why is it? Perhaps I should return to psychology and study: Why are we nice to people we don’t like when bad things happen to them? Do I sound callous? Anyway, Luke’s dad tells them the Lukester is out of surgery, but they should go home. Summer and Seth can’t bounce fast enough, and Marissa also looks like she’s ready to call it a night. She stays, though, guilted by Ryan and his noble plan to stay, “just in case.” Just in case what? In case Luke calls out for him in his sleep? I honestly think this show blatantly has homoerotic undertones because of their gay following. Throw ‘em a bone I guess. (Gross. I just realized what I said.)

In the morning light, Marissa and Ryan are wide awake with empty coffee cups all around them. Luke’s dad comes out and tells them the idiot is awake and they can leave now. Marissa wants an audience though. Not surprisingly, even though she spent the night on a hospital sofa without sleep, her hair is not mussed and her dress is not wrinkled and her eyes look as gaunt as usual.

Elsewhere, Juju is blissfully unaware and elaborating on her wedding plans to Kirsten, who needs another drink. Julie mistakes her displeasure for drinking too much the previous night, and she also seems surprised when Seth comes in and casually mentions that Luke crashed the previous night. Does she run to the hospital, revealing that their love was pure? Does she cry out because her lover is wounded? No. She uses some fancy language to remind Seth that her life would be ruined if anyone found out about her and Luke. Seth, no stranger to tricky women, doesn’t seem impressed.

The hospital scene is boring. In sum, Luke apologizes and Marissa accepts. She’ll miss him and she’ll forgive him. They cry a little. I can’t help but notice that Luke still has all his hair. I was assuming from his bloody head and the claims of surgery that he had brain surgery. Wouldn’t they have to shave some of it? Anyway, the better exchange is Luke and Ryan’s good bye. They joke about Luke being the “Ryan” of Portland (where he’s moving), and Luke even says, “Welcome to Portland, bitch.” They’ll e-mail. I wonder if they really will. (To: Ryan9876450034@cohen.net From: Abercrombie&Bitch@portland.net Subject: I miss you, honey bear.)

Marissa and Ryan are leaving the hospital and Ryan asks her where she wants to go. To destroy her mother, of course. So they head to Caleb’s office and Marissa is all set to reveal the bombshell when Caleb reveals his own sinister plot. Her father’s restaurant will fail if he doesn’t buy it. If it fails, her dad will leave town. He will only buy it if Marissa moves in with him and Juju like a good girl and puts on a happy face for the wedding. Trapped like a rat (or a skinny stickperson), Marissa agrees and impending drama ensues.

She returns to her home, and she and Ryan bolt up the stairs when they hear something crash and Summer yelp. They’re just rolling into the room when Summer says, “I told you no touching anything ever.” Poor Seth. Not much of a relationship. Marissa is blown away by her new room—Seth painted the scenes from the closing credits on her wall and it looks like Paris. Summer did everything else, including finding Share Bear. I’m not sure, but I don’t think that Care Bear is Share Bear, but I was more of a Rainbow Brite gal. As Ryan questions how Seth has ever heard of the Care Bear Stare, they all flop on her bed together in a grossly disgusting coupled off moment. As a social worker, I have to question how healthy it is for two couples made up of two sets of best friends to just pal around with each other. They need some new cast members, stat. And Theresa doesn’t count, she is too old. Anyway, they all goof off as the screen fades and we just know that the kids are okay. Until next week when the true horror of Julie “Wicked Witch of the West Coast” Cooper is unveiled.

Because I'm looking to be more interactive, I demand suggestions for character screenames. Clare, Noelle- you are my audience, so this means it's up to you.

Off to find a stud.

Top Ten Reasons they should have aired The OC instead of The Swan

2004-04-08T16:01:00.000-05:00

No OC tonight, but it returns next week. In the spirit of creativity, I offer the following list in replace of the usual update. Keep in mind that I didn't actually watch The Swan, but I'm pretty sure I'm opposed to it.

10) Any show that uses plastic surgery on an extreme scale to completely remodel a person is sick and wrong. If we can buy our good looks, then what advantage do the naturally attractive people have? None. And that is not what evolution intended.

9) Does The Swan have it's own soundtrack? No. And as we've seen from Saved by the Bell, 90210, Dawson's Creek, Buffy, and Roswell, any show worth it's salt has a soundtrack. Does The OC have a soundtrack? Why yes, yes it does. Actually, I'm thinking that rule only applies to teen shows, but still. Soundtrack!

8) Why bother with this pageant when we all know that Seth Cohen is the real Swan? Think about it. He went from a friendless, video game playing, comic book reading outcast to a sex-having, video game playing, comic book reading stud. Is there a better transition? (Note: I have nothing against video game players or comic book readers. They're half my audience, I think.)

7) "Welcome to the OC, bitch," sounds better than, "You stole my nose, bitch."

6) I couldn't help but notice in the commercials for The Swan that they all wear black dresses. If we're taking this purely on fashion standards, The OC wins. Clearly, orange is the new black as seen in Marissa's delightful little halter dress last week.

5) Why do we need a makeover show when Marissa recently acquired bangs? Isn't that enough change? (Contributed by Lennie)

4) You just know that The Swan is going to make out all of their contestants to be sweet deserving girls that just want happiness and love and sunshine and rainbows. This is boring. Bring on Julie Cooper and her Mrs. Robinson antics, death glares, and J Lo sweats.

3) If you're going to be dramatic, do it right. On The Swan commercial, the girl falls to the floor crying when she sees herself for the first time. On The OC, Crazy!Oliver holds a gun to his head when Marissa sees who he is for the first time. Intese.... intenser.

2) This is a selfish reason. I'm pretty sure I'm right about the "baby's daddy" story with Theresa. I'm counting down the days until I can say, "Ha! I saw it coming!" The sooner they show The OC, the sooner victory is mine.

1) I doubt very seriously that The Swan can deliver gems such as the following exchange:
Seth: I do think from now on,though, we gotta stick together because united we're unstoppable. But divided, it's like...
Ryan: People get shot.

See you after the next OC, bitch.

The Nana... whom I really can't joke about at all

2004-04-01T19:16:00.000-06:00

Things kick off with Luke and Ryan revealing that they have been looking for Marissa all night to no avail. They’ve been to all her haunts, and nada. This leads me to question her haunts. But, that’s food for thought on another night. They hope she called during the night, and they return to the pool house to find Seth curled up in the fetal position on the floor. I assume this is another attempt to point out that Seth is childlike and therefore dorky. I don’t like this relation. He claims he was resting his back and the phone would have woken him up anyway. This does not turn out to be true because there is a missed call, and it was of course Marissa asking not to be followed. This completely guarantees that she will be. I would also like to note that she called Ryan with this information…does that seem like a friendly gesture? Well, uh, yeah. I guess it does… huh. Anyway, Luke and Seth spar over him sleeping with Juju. “It was an accident!” “Did you accidentally sleep with Marissa’s mom or did Marissa accidentally find out?” Okay, I’m no expert on this matter, but I would say the former would have to be deliberate on principle, so there’s your answer. Speak of the devil, Juju rolls in looking for Marissa and, yeah, oops, we all know that you slept with Luke. Surprisingly, she asks to see Ryan alone, which leads me to wonder if Juju is hoping to sleep her way through Marissa’s ex-boyfriends. They exchange evil looks and words over Marissa in which Ryan basically wins because Ju clearly screwed up, and she knows it. Bam! Bitch goes down!

Right back where we started from…

Another tribute to Lennie tonight as Seth busts out with, “What’s the GP, RA?” If you know Lennie, you didn’t even need to hear the translation, which is, “What’s the game plan, Ryan Atwood?” And suddenly now that Marissa is lost, they have no access to cars again. Luckily, Ryan should have no problem peddling all day because Haley has cooked an enormous breakfast. I find it hard to believe that she even knows how to cook, but whatever. I also find it hard to believe that a DA would take in a client as an adopted son, so this show is about suspending disbelief. It’s all, “deliciously redundant,” but Sandy orders all of the “leavened” food out of the house for Passover and the arrival of his mother. His mother is referred to as The Nana. Like The Rock. And apparently just as revered.

Seth and Summer are talking about Marissa, another thing I find hard to believe. Alone in his girlfriend’s bedroom and Seth wants to talk about the girl next door? Wouldn’t they at least do it first? Just kidding, Mom. Really, boys don’t come in my room, so it’s cool for me to joke about it. Anyway, Summer does know where Marissa is but won’t say. She will say that she loves old people (then why isn’t she dating Grandpa Moneybags instead of Juju?), and she wants to meet The Nana. They squabble a little about Summer meeting her and by the end Summer is near saying, “The Nana will The Love me and you will The Like It!” Oh, it’s on.

Sandy and Kirsten are in the guest room debating how much The Nana will like fancy sheets. Even though Rosa (and where is Rosa? Shouldn’t someone be sleeping with her by now?) changed the sheets recently, The Nana would prefer itchy sheets because that’s what social workers do. Yes, that is us. Social workers prefer everything be itchy and as painful as possible. Right. We are the modern day masochistic saints. I even buy my underwear a size to small so that I am constantly uncomfortable and reminded of all suffering. Fools! Social workers are just waiting for a rich guy to marry us and pay for our charity. We still want nice sheets. Anyway, Sandy thinks she is coming to remind him that he sold out by joining the private firm.

Oh, and then there’s the Jimmy and Haley subplot. I’ll spare you the details of that whole “affair,” and just say that they flirted, Haley tried to kiss him, he pushed her off, she called him out on doing overly nice things for her, he showed up later and they decided to date anyway, and then made the fatal error of deciding not to tell Kirsten. Fools! When has dating the former love of a family member ever made anyone in this show happy? There was a good line though when Haley was embarrassed about working in a strip club. Jimmy said, “There is nothing wrong with a good strip club… not that I would know.”

Meanwhile, Ryan returns after a long search for Marissa and they’re all discussing the picking up of The Nana from the airport. It seems no one is really jumping out of his or her seats to go meet her. (Hey, Clare, this reminds me of the time in high school when Diette was explaining what erotic does not mean and said, “You wouldn’t say that you had an erotic desire to finish your term paper.” Only here it would be, “I do not have an erotic desire to pick up The Nana.”) But suddenly, The Nana is there because her plane got in early and she took a cab to their house. Bullshit! Planes never get in that early! She must be secretly living in Chino with Ryan’s grandfather because that would make more sense! She seems happy to see everyone and even picks up Ryan as she hugs him (The Nana must be strong because Ryan is all man). She even says, “California… not so bad.” Everyone seems shell shocked by this, so we can only assume that The Nana usually plays the stereotype of the Jewish mother than criticizes everything and everyone.

Ryan and Seth are hashing out The Nana’s appearance, and Seth’s comic book nerdiness finally pays off as he compares his mother and The Nana to Wolverine and Cyclops. Based on my limited knowledge of the X-men, I assume this means they are two foes on the same side of the battle fighting over a member of the opposite sex. Ryan immediately makes the connection to Marissa because she is clearly on his mind (friends? Ha!), and he now knows where she went: Theresa’s. Now who in this scenario would be Wolverine.? I would like to draw another comparison here and says that Theresa is the Jen to Marissa’s Joey.

In Chino, Ryan knocks on Theresa’s door, who is not surprised to see him, though Marissa will not be thrilled that he put the pieces together. Yeah right. Why on earth would she go to Chino of all places if she didn’t want Ryan to find her? Eddie shows up at this moment, and- how convenient- it is the day of their engagement party. All kinds of drama tonight.

Back at the mansion, The Nana reveals to Seth that Sandy used to run with a gang back in the Bronx. “Blood or Crips, Pops?” No, not that kind of gang! It was a youth group, who can be equally scary in my opinion. The Nana announces she wants to see the new restaurant, and they all marvel at her pleasant nature as she leaves. Kirsten doesn’t want to push it—she likes the nice The Nana. Meanwhile, Summer arrives at the door ready to charm the pants off The Nana. She brought Macaroons and her best Jewish A-game. She even busts out with, “Shalom.” Seth tries to make her out to be a buddy, but Summer jumps in and reveals herself as the woman currently holding him on a short leash. The Nana seems to like her well enough, but Seth freaks out when she leaves and Summer whacks him. Good girl. Boys that deny their girlfriends in front of family members deserve a worse fate than that. “She’s not scary!” Summer yelps. “You’re the one who’s scary with the cookies and the hitting,” Seth retorts. Summer is going to kick his ass at being Jewish.

Ryan and Theresa stroll together in her backyard squabbling over who left who and who loves who and all that messy drama which is sort of old now, and they are interrupted by Theresa’s mom. She’s happy to see Ryan, but Marissa is clearly not. Well, not that clearly because if she really didn’t still love him, she would be indifferent. Ha! (Am I reaching a little here?) However, I very much approve of her Izod shirt that deviates from the usual alligator by adding stripes to the cuffs. Nice. Also, and this should come as no surprise, she is NOT going home. No, she intends to get a job (Laughable! What marketable skills does she have? Attracting psychos?). I like that she’s being immature; it’s a little slice of realism in this whole farce. Ryan insists he won’t leave without her, so I guess he’s staying too. (Incidentally, Marissa guesses this too.)

The Nana, in continuation of her apparent dissent into Bipolar (which isn’t really an accurate diagnosis here at all, but you get the point) liked the restaurant. Sandy calls her out- enough is enough with people being nice! Be the bitch we love to hate already! Sure enough, The Nana turns on the venom by snapping at Kirsten and dropping her bomb: she’s visiting because she’s dying and wants to say good-bye. There’s really no snarky comment I can make here because even though Samantha from Sex and the City would have you think otherwise, cancer isn’t funny. So, I’m hoping the scene shifts back to Chino soon or else this update will become maudlin.

Ryan is on his cell in Chino, and I have to wonder how he got there in the first place. Did he ride his bike? Eddie chooses this moment to approach with his cronies. I think I’ll call them the Khakis. Get it? A gang in Chino called the Khakis? They’re subversive! Anyway, they demand he leave and Ryan gets hit. Wouldn’t be Wednesday if he didn’t.

Sandy wants to talk to The Nana, but she doesn’t want to have any part of it if involves her illness. She doesn’t want treatment, she doesn’t want to tell people, and she wants to be left alone. She slams Kirsten when she recommends the doctor her mom used. She then rails against everything in Sandy’s life- from his job to his wife to California to Gov. Schwartzenagger. Seth hears the end of this and pulls Summer upstairs away from the flying fur. I suppose The Nana can pretty much say whatever she wants now.

Back in Chino, Ryan walks into Marissa’s bedroom, and her icy demeanor has slipped right off with the donning of her cheap orange halter dress. I say cheap because she borrowed it from Theresa, and it’s been made pretty clear that Theresa doesn’t buy her clothes at Nordstrom (poor dear). She’s all honey and lemon sweetness over his banged up appearance, and she offers to talk to Eddie and clear things up so they both can stay. As she saunters out, Ryan gets a call from Seth demanding he return home. I’m concerned for Seth and his co-dependent relationship with Ryan. He is simply not capable of handling anything without our UVA grad around. (Is anyone really capable of that? Go hoos!) As Seth makes his pitiful demands, Summer recites Jewish ritual in the background. There’s probably a good social commentary in here about the media’s depiction of Judaism, but I’ll leave that to someone else.

Just when you though Juju and Lukester learned their lesson, Luke shows up to apologize. Ju expresses her intent to lock Marissa up to keep her from hurting herself, and Luke looks like he’s about to reflect on the stupidity of his actions. Then he remembers he is no longer MILF-ing Julie Cooper and looks sort of sad.

Next door, The Nana is smoking in the backyard. Sandy comes out to chastise her for smoking and for not returning her doctor’s calls. The Feisty Old Bat doesn’t want to be slowed down by chemo because her kids (read: her clients) count on her. Sandy points out that her own kids count on her too and all he ever wanted was for her to be there. They have some drama about her working all the time and Sandy leaving, and the notable part here is that Seth overhears it all. The Nana spots him as Sandy walks dejectedly back in the house, and another heart to heart is on the horizon.

At Theresa’s engagement party, Marissa tells Theresa that she and Eddie kick ass. I assume she is thanking them for looking out for her, but I think the crafty little waif is also encouraging mamacita to stick with Eddie now that Marissa and Ryan are chummy again. This becomes obvious when Marissa some how convinces her to spill the inside truth that Theresa only went to Newport in the first place because she was scared. Her going to Ryan was a mistake. She sweetly points out, “Anyway, he came here for you, not me.” I would like to remind everyone that she and Ryan have slept together. And there’s no way that that little love triangle only lasted three episodes. Also, there was too much impassioned fighting between Theresa and Ryan earlier. Remember, kids, the opposite of love is indifference, not hate. I stand by my baby’s daddy prediction. Theresa will return with a vengeance.

Near the refreshment table, where you will find any man at any social event, Eddie and Ryan eye each other warily. Because Seth isn’t there to have the parallel conversation with him about Marissa, Eddie has decided they should be friends again. Basically, they skip over the whole, “I slept with your fiancé thing,” and head straight to the confirmation from Eddie that Marissa wants Ryan there. “She picked the one place she knew you could find her.” I’m sensing the finale will include baby drama, someone needing to save Marissa, and a very angsty Ryan.

The Nana knocks on Seth’s door for their requisite heart to heart. In the course of their conversation, The Nana says that she didn’t want to tell him because she wanted to get to know him without that hanging over them. Also, she didn’t think she could handle telling him. Seth asks if she’s scared because his dad says she’s not scared of anything. She says she’s scared and they hold hands in a sweet moment which quickly ends when Seth points out that it’s her own fault if his dad doesn’t know her. Geez. The lady came to say she was dying. People are being awfully confrontational with her.

Back at the frothy side of the episode, Marissa and Ryan exchange comments on Chino, and Marissa recycles his old line, “Actually, I think I can get in more trouble where I’m from.” Seizing the sweetness-loaded moment, Ryan apologizes for everything (breaking up with her over Oliver? Sleeping with her rival? Not telling her about Luke? For having only 3 expressions? The list goes on…). He pushes his luck and tries to convince her to leave again because Juju is threatening to lock her up. Marissa barrels inside and immediately strips. I’m completely aware of the teen soap plot device in which the female suddenly demands sex to get the male’s mind off more serious matters, but even I am thrown by this. Ryan looks like he’s about to give in, when it turns out that she’s just changing back into her own clothes. I’m not sure who’s more disappointed here, Ryan or the young girls across the country hoping to live vicariously through Marissa. Then there’s this big dramatic moment in which Marissa keeps trying to walk out the door saying over and over again that she can’t go back and Ryan forcibly holding her back. Eventually, she sort of collapses into him, sobbing and still saying she can’t. As a sucker for a really great hug, I’m swooning more here more than I would if they were consummating the relationship. In the midst of this hug fest, Theresa’s mom calls from outside the door that someone is there to see Ryan. You might think it’s the Khakis there to finish the job, but you would be wrong. It’s Luke. He looks completely out of place among the locals (Imagine an Abercrombie ad in the middle of a Sears catalogue). Ryan looks ready to hit him, and we all know he’ll do it too, but Marissa barges out and slaps him instead. Luke sputters, but her evil eye sees him out the party. Ryan smiles at her, and we can tell he’s sort of proud. Hey, she learns from the best.

At the mansion, Kirsten and The Nana face off over her refusing treatment. Kirsten points out that she can live longer and spend more time with her family if she gets treatment and The Nana says, “Guilt, huh? Very impressive. Are you sure you’re not Jewish?” Are we sure that’s Jewish? The motherly guilt trip is ubiquitous.

Ryan and Theresa warmly bury the hatchet after Ryan apologizes for ruining her party. She laughs- does it look like the party is ruined? I have to smile at this. Usually when someone gets hit in Newport, everyone is appalled and the night ends in scandal. However, in Chino, it’s like, “Eh, at least the dry cleaner can get out blood.” I think I would rather party in Chino. Theresa promises to invite him to her wedding … and Marissa too, nudge nudge. So they try to delude us into thinking that their tragic love affair is over, and Marissa and Eddie take their seats too. What is it with couples hanging out on this show anyway? Somebody needs to be single and LOVING it. Ryan is about to excuse himself for Seder at the Cohen’s when Theresa tries to lure Eddie away. “But I’m eating cake.” “No you’re not.” “Oh, now I get it.” He follows her away to give Marissa and Ryan obvious time alone. Given their bonding over her slapping Luke, Ryan tries again to convince her to go home. She resists, but Ryan reminds her what she would be missing: Summer, her dad, him… She seems sold when it gets to him, and who wouldn’t be? The boy graduated from UVA and is from Austin. That’s the best of both my worlds. They smile shyly, the best kind of smile, and my heart hurts a little

The Cohens are getting ready for the Seder, and The Nana teases that she’s been finding homes for kids for years, but she never thought to bring one home with her. This seems to heal the rift between her and Sandy, and she tells him she has decided to get treatment after all. Aw. So everyone has come to healthy resolutions! Hurrah! Sandy promises to visit her, and I’m secretly hoping for a road trip episode with Summer being appalled by the lack of ocean in NYC. She’ll be torn when she sees Bergdorf’s though.

Marissa and Ryan face off with Juju the Insane at the Cooper mansion. Turns out Marissa ultimately decided to return because that’s where her clothes are. Aw. There’s The OC I know and love! There’s a showdown at the Coop Corral, and Marissa wins by threatening to tell everyone why she ran away in the first place. Aw, snap!

Summer and Seth hang out in the pool house (I wonder if Ryan is bothered by the fact that they probably have sex on his bed). Seth is impressed that Summer had memorized all the Jewish ritual stuff, but they use the book in Seder. Summer is about to smack him again, but Marissa walks in and they all engage in happy foursome action. Appears Luke is out of the circle of friends. Sorry, Luke. Anna can tell you that unless you date one of the kids in the credits, you’re out. (Wait, is he in the credits? This may shoot a hole in my theory. Hmm.) They all go inside for Seder, and Sandy asks Ryan about things at home. Ryan says, “You tell me. I was in Chino.” Aww. That’s going to give me cavities.

It wraps up with the Seder scene, where the ritual words seem to fit what has happened to everyone that day. It’s sweet and profound, and I don’t feel that I’ve been snarky enough. Ah well. I guess social work is getting to me after all.

Shalom!

The Cop Out

2004-03-31T22:27:00.000-06:00

In case anyone shows up bright and early Thursday for the update, I'm sorry to report it won't be up until later Thursday. There was a crisis involving my black shoes, a spitting iron, and Diet Cherry Coke, but I can't speak of it here. Anyway, The OC is on hiatus for two weeks, so that gives you plenty of time to dwell on this week's update. And this is no April Fool's joke. I'm just not funny enough for that.

The LA... not at all to be confused with the less cool BR

2004-03-25T00:19:00.000-06:00

Things open where they last closed: Mermaid Lagoon, the apparently only hot spot for illicit love in Orange County. Ryan left his watch at the motel, and Seth is fairly preoccupied with how it came off in the first place. At least he now seems to know that Ryan and Theresa hit the sheets together. I too am curious about how the watch came off. I mean, that seems like a fairly awkward step to take. The manager, or the key master of the love palace, comments that Theresa was a pretty one. Was Ryan her boyfriend? Uh…. awkward pause. Ryan does get the watch back, and the super couple discusses Theresa on the way back to their car. (I’ve figured it out- at night they drive cars that their parents use during the day.) They give us a little background that Ryan has spoken with his Latin Lovah and she is getting married to Eddie again. This seems like a bad plan to me, and I’m not even in love with her. The guy drives an El Kimino. When has that ever ended well? But that’s next week. Seth is trying to put a positive spin on things: for the first time since he has been in the OC, Ryan is a free man. No girls to date, hate, or save from themselves. Seth declares “Angst free Ryan month” but then downgrades to “Angst-free Ryan week” with the realization that an angst free month would preclude the use of Ryan’s other facial expression. Ryan seems genuinely jazzed about this, but then they see Julie and Luke making out in a dimly lit hallway. They dive behind the car and keep watching, common voyeurs, and Ryan comments, “Didn’t even last a week.” Also, Julie slapped Luke’s ass as he left- oh yeah, we see who’s the dominant one in this little ménage a deux.

Californiaaaaaaaa…..

Pool house. Ryan looks shell-shocked. Expression #3? Or just a clever use of Expression #1? Anyway, Seth is speechless for once, and they try to piece together how Luke could do this. They agree Marissa cannot find out because she doesn’t handle bad news very well. This is an obvious erroneous cognition, but I will refrain from expounding on psychology issues that no one really cares about. Seth says that Ryan should “take the reigns” on this one as Seth is really too cowardly to confront anyone (as seen in his non-choice between Anna and Summer). So much for the end of angst.

Boring adult plot quick summary: Jimmy and Sandy need funders for their restaurant. Caleb knows the right people. A dinner party is planned. Meatloaf is served after much debate and everyone is thrilled. There’s some speech about meatloaf being a defining moment in the life of men and really it’s not very interesting. Though I have to say that I do enjoy my mother’s meatloaf. There’s also a little subplot about what Haley, the prodigal sister, is into these days, but that comes in later.

In the kitchen at breakfast (I’m detecting a trend. The show always seems to start in the morning and end at night. Curious.), Kirsten tries to convince Jimmy that Julie should be his decorator at the restaurant because she is “cheap.” Oh yeah she is. Did anyone see her fuck-me boots? Jimmy also makes the inexplicable comment that Julie is taking Marissa for the weekend so that he can work. Yeah, like Marissa needs a parent to stay with her. How old is she again? And I promise that’s the last adult scene I will detail. I just had to get in the shot about Julie being cheap.

Marissa and Summer are strolling on the beach talking about how Marissa has always had a boyfriend and needs some time alone. Gross. Marissa is That Girl. Anyway, I enjoy the parallelism in this show. Moving on, they see a commotion up ahead, and it’s Colin Hanks talking to a bunch of girls. Oh Colin. What happened to your nerd hair from Roswell? What would Isabelle say? Anyway, he now has long hair that I suppose is supposed to make him trendy, but really just makes him look shady. Turns out he is not Colin Hanks, but in fact Grady Bridges of The Valley, Summer’s favorite primetime soap. (Hmmm… should I even point out how this episode may be a little self-absorbed for this show?) Summer points out that he’s not traditionally cute, but he’s funny. And he also wears his shirt zipped up to his chin. He is clearly the Seth Cohen of The Valley. They walk over to introduce themselves, and Marissa claims never to have seen the show. To which he says, “That’s funny. You’re funny.” Wow. I’m thinking this guy may not be the coolest.

Seth and Ryan discuss the May-December romance of Julie and Luke as they cruise the school halls. “Maybe they’re not having sex. Maybe they just go to the motel to spoon and watch Charlie Rose,” suggests Seth. Yeah, that’s true in the same way that Ryan and Theresa and Marissa are just friends. (You should catch the sarcasm there. I was laying it on pretty thickly.) They run into Summer and Marissa and Summer tells them she has the most unreal news. Clearly, their news is more unreal, but it can wait. Summer scored invites to Grady’s birthday party in LA and they’re going to go! Seth seems a little jealous of this Grady kid, and Marissa and Ryan just look pained. I’m not sure if they are pained by each other or by Summer’s vapidness. But who am I to cast stones at vapid girls when I write summaries of The OC? Marissa and Ryan head off together and Ryan tells her that he has spoken with Theresa. Marissa gives him a sympathetic look, but the trained female observer knows she’s sort of gloating. The bell rings and Ryan watches Marissa walk away from. Away from him and his broken Chino heart.

Here’s what happens between Ryan and Luke next.
Luke: Hey, man. What’s up?
Ryan: Nothing. So, have sex with Julie Cooper today?
I want to have this kind of conversation with someone.
Anyway, Luke tries to deny it. Ryan gives him his Expression #2. Luke backs tracks. “We have a connection.” This sounds distinctly like something someone on The Bachelorette would say, and Luke promptly loses all believability because when they say that on The Bachelorette, they mean, “We made out. It was hot.” Ryan tells him Marissa will find out and demands he break it off with Julie. He looks a little scary. I’m thinking Luke might react negatively to threats, but he looks a little abashed as he watches Ryan walk away. Away from him and his twisted love affair.

Seth is watching The Valley, trying to determine what is so great about this primetime soap. Ryan starts to tell him about Luke, but Seth the self-interested has connected the dots between himself and Grady. Predictably, Seth makes some logical leaps that Summer will obviously want to be with the “real life TV Seth Cohen.” If you break this sentence down, it makes no sense. Anyway, they agree to go to LA for the party with the girls to get Marissa away from the Luke craziness and to get Summer away from the obvious lothario that Grady will prove to be. At this point, Marissa shows up and asks to speak to Ryan alone. She’s decided they need some time away from each other. She is jumping on the “we need to be alone” bandwagon. I’m just going to make a stand and say I don’t like this bandwagon at all. The upshot of all this is that she won’t be going to LA. Ryan, seeing the hole in his plan to distract her, tries to dissuade her, but she pushes on that things have been intense since he arrived. Intense? Yeah, a little. Her dad was socially ostracized, her boyfriend cheated on her with a character not cool enough to last into the fall season, she OD-ed in an alley in Mexico, Crazy!Oliver reeked havoc, Seth had sex, and Anna jumped ship. She’s right. Ryan is nothing but trouble. Ryan watched her walk away. Away from him and his angst free week.

Ryan offers to step aside from the trip to LA, but Seth tells him he must go. And he must also convince the parents that a party for a star in LA in a great place for them to be. If they were a business, Seth would be management and Ryan would be the… labor? Poor chino import. Hit the class ceiling. Seth approaches Sandy and Kirsten first, tries to schmooze them and then just babbles imperceptibly. No dice. Ryan steps up, a little tiredly, says they won’t drink, drug, or fight. But they really convince them when Kirsten recognizes Grady’s name and gushes about him. Considering the Seth/Grady parallel, this is creepy. Their curfew is 11:30 (11:30?! This is the OC, bitch. Curfew is more likely to be a designer than a time.) Sandy warns them not to spend a minute longer in LA because it will steal their souls. It’s cool, Sandy, Summer already stole Seth’s soul. Seth walks out, looking smug about their victory at Ryan’s effort. Seth crows that he is the brains and Ryan is the brawn. Ryan looks slightly miffed by this. Expression #4? Mmm…too soon to tell.

Ryan shows up at Marissa’s and they start to have a meaningful conversation about being alone together, but all I can think is that her shirt is bizarre. It goes off one shoulder, but then there’s this belt-like strap over that shoulder made of multi-colored hearts. This looks like the sort of costume I might have worn as a child trying to look like Rainbow Bright. Anyway, Ryan gives her some BS about needing to learn to be independent by hanging out together. He says, “I mean, we are friends.” Haha. Friends. This is an interesting word lately. He tells her the LA trip will be fun, to which she says, “Usually, you don’t think anything is fun.” Marissa has also noted his two expressions then. Ultimately she agrees after he says, “It’s not about what I want. It’s about what you need.” Don’t worry, she laughs at him before she agrees to the road trip to LA. I mean, who says that other than daytime soap stars? Get a clue, Ryan. Or at least talk more and then you won’t make so many mistakes. Then, in an attempt to break with precedent, she does NOT watch him walk away. She leans against the door and looks thoughtful instead.

In the traffic of LA, the fabulous foursome make their way to the club for the birthday bash and Summer wishes she they had Chitty-Chitty Bang-Bang, the flying car. Speaking of bang-bang, Marissa’s mom keeps blowing her off and that’s what people do when they’re banging someone on the side. Marissa says no, her mom is just busy. Summer snorts, “Yeah, Busy. Or getting busy.” There’s some talk about attractive male and female teen idols, and Seth gets smacked for some reason that I miss because I’m distracted by my mother having the nerve to call during The OC. (Love you, Mom. Really. Don’t be mad.) Seth asks her why she’s allowed to drool over Legolas and he can’t talk about Natalie Portman. Summer defends herself, “He saved Middle Earth. That is a HUGE part of European history.” Aw, honey.

Over at the Cooper mansion, Luke crawls out of the bushes in a not-so-stealthy way after Caleb drops Juju off. Luke gets huffy about Gramps, and Juju silences him with her vacuum mouth. Suddenly Luke doesn’t need to talk to her anymore as they stumble inside.

Back in LA, they get to the club named Luna Chicks. Right away you know there’s some teenage girl starting her OC devotion web page and calling it Luna Chicks. Apparently, the Luna Chick mascot is a stripper with lots of hair shimmying on a pole while party goers lounge on silver vinyl couches. I guess this is supposed to cover the moon, girls, and craziness all at once. I’m happy to see Marissa’s fashion sense has returned. The girls run into Grady, who quickly pulls them over to Team Grady. Anyone who calls their friends “Team My Name” needs to re-assess how they make friends. Things are a little uncomfortable until he reveals he and “the boys” own the rights to The Golden Girls. Summer is instantly putty in his hands. I’m disappointed with her. He said they were going to make a movie on the Golden Girls but rewrite them as them young and hot. Summer should have clawed his eyes out for that.

Ryan is on his cell phone leaving a threatening message for Luke when Marissa walks over. Neither one is really interested in partying with B-listers, so they’re gonna do the alone together thing. Meanwhile, Seth and Summer are following Grady some where when they run into Paris Hilton. It’s not very clear to me if she is playing herself or a stripper. Regardless, I think it smacks of injustice that the girl is basically famous because she’s very rich and bratty. Anyway, she and Summer exchange bitch slappy comments (“Orange County? Ew.”) and they move on, but not before Paris eyes Seth. On the other side of the moon, Ryan and Marissa are trying very hard to be very suave and not pathetic with each other, when their tension is magically saved by a stripper that turns out to be Haley. Turns out she is not an aerobics instructor in Club Med but rather an exotic dancer in Club Dread. Her boss tells her to keep moving because couples are extra (ha ha. They’re not a couple, fool. They’re FRIENDS.)

Back in Luke’s truck, as he drives away from the Mistress of Seduction, he hears Ryan’s message and swerves the truck back around to the Cooper’s. I would like to point out the very large tires on his truck. You know what they say about that.

Ryan calls Sandy from the club and tells him they found Haley in her own rendition of Striptease. Sandy seems a little more horrified that they are some place that has strippers. He tells them to leave at once, but Jimmy perks up when he hears Haley’s name and takes off to find them in LA. I’m beginning to sense a trend of men saving women from themselves in this show, and the feminist in me doesn’t like it.

Ryan and Marissa decide to look for Summer and Seth and Haley, and Marissa insists that they not split up to do this. I enjoy the symbolism here where they decide to stay together rather than stay away from each other. What a night of crazy clubbing can do for a relationship! In my notes, I typed the word “sumpbke.” I hope this was not a major plot point because I have no idea what that means. Moving along, Summer is hanging out with Team Grady as Seth chats up Paris Hilton. Turns out Paris is a masters student stripping to make ends meet and is writing her thesis on magical realism in American fiction. I am reminded of that song we used to listen to about the Champagne room… you know, “Just cuz she dances, yo, that don’t make her a ho, no.” Or something. I should never rap. I would also like to note that Paris is wearing a diamond-studded skull around her neck. What is up with the odd fashion choices in this episode? Just as Grady is asking Summer if she wants to watch the latest episode in his SUV, she watches Paris pull Seth’s cell phone out of his pocket. (Yes, I mean cell phone. That was not a euphemism.) Seth watched transfixed as Paris takes a picture of herself with his phone and misses Summer following Grady out of the club.

In the Escalade (of course he drives an Escalade), Summer and Grady watch one of his episodes on his TV. One of his lines, “I’m out of her. Latro,” is clearly heard, and I question the quality of The Valley. Grady tries to turn up the heat, but Summer obliviously tells him to be quiet so she can watch. “It’so good. I wish I was from the Valley.” Though I fear this will reveal my level of geekdom, this is funny because Rachel Bilson, Summer’s portrayer, really is from the proverbial Valley. Back in da club, Seth doesn’t see Summer, but he does see Haley. The boss sees them talking to her and has them all kicked out after Ryan steps up in his role as the brawn. Ryan looks like he needs to hit some one. I mean, it’s been two weeks since he and Eddie slugged it out.

Back at the boring adult scene, Luke pops up in the window to get Julie’s attention. Their relationship has now become creepy if for no other reason than because Luke keeps hiding in people’s bushes. Julie, pretending to need more wine, leaves the party to demand Luke leave and wait in the bushes at her house. Again, hear the whip cracking?

The rejects sit outside against the club wall and Seth uses a Lennie worthy abbreviation when referring to climbing in through windows to get back inside, “You know, the ushe.” (Pronounced like he couldn’t quite get the rest of the word usual out of his mouth.) He makes an attempt to scrabble up the wall like Nightcrawler, but since this is not X3, he slides down the wall again and says, “That’s kinda dewy. I’m gonna go around.”
Marissa has a brainstorm (lightening crashed, houses rattled), and she convinces the bouncer at the VIP entrance that Ryan is famous. Not only famous, but a star of The Valley. She squeals, “You are so hot. I mean, shorter than I thought, but still..” This is all just reeks of so much self-parody that I can’t even think of anything snarky to say. The bouncer lets them in saying, “You’re only a teen idol once.” Now I kind of want to be one. I would love to be interviewed by Seventeen; I can just see the cover story headline, “M says: ‘I used to be the dateless wonder.’ Look inside for how her luck has changed!” Back in the Escalade of Love, Summer is getting bored with Grady’s self-love and wants to go back to the party. He puts on some music by his band, and leans toward her. He says he likes her and he doesn’t know why. This reason will become clear very soon. The car door suddenly swings open and Seth is standing there with the line, “I heard some awful noise… I should have known it was self indulgent actors with instruments.” Before I go on, I have to question why he opened that door. I mean, it’s possible that he thought Summer might be in there and he wanted to check on her. But that’s not very likely—how would he know that Grady drives an Escalade? Do all teen idols drive them? Am I to assume that? Did I miss something? Regardless, I find it odd that he just busted into a random car when he heard bad music. I mean, I can see CK doing that after several drinks, but Seth has not been drinking. Opening random car doors, particularly Escalades, does not seem like good policy to me. Off the soapbox, back to the show. The other door opens to Grady’s co-star who he appears to be dating. Her name is April. Clever. Summer acts all surprised that they’re dating and comments it would really suck if you dated your co-star and it didn’t work out. How would you deal? April says, “We’ll find out.” And slams the door. Snap! (There’s murmurs that Rachel Bilson and Adam Brody are together off screen. Aren’t they funny?) Grady piles out after April and Summer and Seth decide it’s time to go home to real people. Well, as real as they get in the OC. Oh, it just smacks of irony.

Back at Luna Chicks, Ryan and Marissa try to convince Haley to leave and the bouncers shove their sorry asses out again. This time, Ryan really does get up in the guy’s grill. But before we get the throw down I’m hoping for, Jimmy shows up and everyone backs down. I can’t help but note that Marissa edges closer to Ryan as the showdown happens. Friends. Whatev. Ryan and Marissa hunt down Summer and Seth. There’s a scene where Haley cries with Jimmy, but I’m sort of bored by it. I’m going to assume no one else cares and move on. The only notable thing is that she looks vaguely like Hilary Swank.

The real reason anyone watches, that is the fabulous foursome, meander down the Walk of Stars. They look very color-coordinated, by the way. They talk about their roles in their little group. Seth is the brains, Ryan is the brawn, Marissa is the beauty, and Summer is the bitch. No, Summer would rather be the boobs. Sounds like a fair division of labor. In the background, a song I used to like plays with the chorus, “hey, hey, baby, we gotta get out of LA.” Jude, very nice. Download his song, “I do” if you want to be a little depressed. Okay, a lot depressed.

JuJu storms home. I can’t remember why she is storming, but Luke jumps out of the bushes again. He pretty much tells her straight off that he wants to break off their rendez-vous. (What is the plural of rendez-vous? Rendez-vouses? Rendez-vousi?) Juju seems a little take aback, but appears to accept this because she immediately calls Caleb to schedule a date. Talk about girls that always need a boyfriend. No wonder Marissa is screwed up. Of course, her level of screwed-ness is about to escalate.

Marissa and Ryan flop down on his bed in the pool house while Summer and Seth watch The Valley in the next room. I love that they watch it together. It’s cute. Anyway, Marissa and Ryan are too cool for that, so they laugh about their group roles some more and end up in a pillow fight for the sole reason that we all need to be perfectly clear that they are officially okay now and angst free. That sets them up for the fall. Marissa chirps, “I win!” (Hey, that’s my line!) and trots off the to bathroom. In her absence, Luke walks in and announced loudly that he is no longer having sex with Julie Cooper. Ryan frantically opens and closes his mouth as Marissa appears in the room again. There’s a moment when you can literally see everyone in the room is thinking, “Uhhh…..” And then Marissa realizes that’s why Ryan lured her to LA and they are suddenly NOT OKAY anymore. She leaves crying because most episodes end with Marissa crying. Both boys watch her walk away. Away with the aftermath of the Julie Cooper’s cheapness.

The truly exciting news here at the end is that there is an OC soundtrack entitled Mix One coming out this month. Mix One implies more mixes to follow! Score!

It is so good. I wish I was from the OC.

Still no O.C....

2004-03-18T16:53:00.000-06:00

The OC remains on hiatus, but Jon Peter remains on American Idol. Thus, my impatience with FOX is appeased for the time being. In other news, Clare, the genius who put this site together, has managed to get herself into Berkeley for grad school in some form of filmmaking. Depsite my disgust with Berkeley for offering competition with UVa for best public university in the country, I applaud Clare and her obvious talent. I've known since seventh grade that she would leave her mark on the world, and now she has an outlet to do so! Rock on, Clare!

No OC Update, but....

2004-03-10T20:31:00.000-06:00

To my dissatisfaction, there was no OC to be had tonight. Not even a re-run. However, I do feel it's worth noting that Jon Peter Lewis of American Idol has made it into the Top 12 depsite the fact he can't sing and his dancing skills are questionable. But he's so cute! Look at the shaggy hair! The boyish grin! And I confess, I even kind of like his dance moves. Enough with the power ballads and girls that can "Sang." Bring on the Jon Peter!

The Goodbye Girl who wouldn't go away

2004-03-04T00:15:00.000-06:00

No sexual content warning. Bummer.

Things start off with Seth and Ryan talking about his lip lock with Theresa. Turns out we now use Madonna as a way to define different levels of kissing, which I find sort of gross because she looks like a skeleton with blond hair. Seth goes on to give Ryan the third degree about Theresa and her current plans: does she have a lease, can she pay for gas, what freeway will she use, is she truly only 17? Okay, so not the last one, but we were all thinking it. Ryan tells him to, “woah,” which I assume means he should chill out. I’m now incorporating that into my vocabulary. Things are so not a big deal—sort of like last time when we were all totally just friends. Theresa, as if on cue- and yeah, I guess she was cued, waltzes in with her non-plan to offer the ambiguously non-gay duo a ride to school. Sweet, Yes. Then, Marissa walks in and we’re not feeling warm and fuzzy anymore. But, yeah, we’re all okay. Soooo okay. Not awkward at all, except we are. She also offers them a ride to school in a cruel twist of fate. Ryan looks torn between laughing and crying, and I’m pleased to see he has a new emotion. Theresa offers to back off and Marissa is all, “Yeah, step off bitch.” Then she gets embarrassed and leaves and so does Theresa, and the boys with two rides, now have none.

Calfornia here we come.

Sandy and Kirsten are doing their usual morning banter, when Marissa storms through. They look mildly confused. And then Theresa rolls through and it becomes clear that Ryan is involved, the heartbreaker. By the way, the boring adult plot this episode is Sandy covering the family’s collective ass by striking a deal with some person who was going to sue them or something with scandals. The end result was that Sandy felt compromised, Kirsten felt guilty, and Caleb was smug. I’m betting this doesn’t end here, but I truly hope it does. In the meantime, the weekly social gathering will be a celebration of Caleb’s face on a magazine cover. Can you imagine buying a dress for such an event? Ryan and Seth stroll in and everyone feels the need to hash out that he has so many friends that come in and out. Seth informs them they need a ride for school, and I question again why these boys sometimes have cars and sometimes don’t.

We cut to Luke playing a guitar at school, which I think is supposed to imply that he has levels. Marissa sits down with him and they have a little heart to heart about how it feels to see the one you want with someone else and knowing you deserve it. I would feel better about the sentimentality in the moment if he wasn’t currently screwing her mom. He gives her some advice: “The sooner you realize it's never gonna go back to the way it was, the sooner you can move on.” Marissa promptly does not take his advice and rushes Ryan as he and Seth enter the school grounds. They stumble around the subject of Theresa, with Marissa offering to help in any way she can for some inexplicable reason.

The former trio, now just SummerandSeth and Anna are eating lunch and talking about plastic surgery. Apparently, chin jobs are the new nose jobs. When Anna comments that Picasso thought so too, Summer says, “Really? What hospital does he work in?” She kids though, really she’s shallow, not dumb. Also, her dad is a plastic surgeon, which opens her up for some plastic personality jokes. Anna chooses this moment to announce that she is going back to Pittsburgh. We’re all stunned, except for those of us that noticed Anna never quite made it into the credits.

Theresa and Ryan are hanging out in her yellow convertible (okay, so the girl from Chino has a precious little car and Ryan rides his bike?) discussing jobs. She’s pretty happy he called her, but he has to leave for class. If she’s 17, why isn’t she in class? Because she’s 30. Anyway, they kiss behind a folded paper because, you know, Marissa could see. Not that it matters because everybody is friends.

At the house of sin, alias Cooper mansion, Luke knocks on the door and Caitlin answers. (Marissa’s little sister.) She obviously has a crush on Luke and acts all annoyed when Julie walks up behind her. I’m starting to wonder if Luke is going to bang all the Cooper women at some point. She tells him he shouldn’t be there, and says, “Yeah, but you needed help with your DSL.” For those of you that remembers the alternative meaning of DSL from UVA, you get the humor. Hint: Bob has them. Anyway, Jimmy pulls up at that moment to pick up Caitlin, and Julie says, “Luke’s here to defrag my hard drive.” That one is so easy, I can’t even touch it.

Sandy is grilling swordfish (rather casually too. He talks about swordfish the way I talk about my Better’n’Burgers. Somehow I doubt the two are AT ALL alike.) He asks if any of Ryan’s “friends” will be joining them for dinner. Obviously, he doesn’t buy the “friends” line any more than the rest of us. He offers Ryan some unsolicited advice: don’t get with her. You both have your own worlds and they should be realistic. I find this uncharacteristic coming from Sandy and I have to wonder if the evil lawyer empire is getting to him. Anyway, he should know that saying that to Ryan will only drive him right into Theresa’s arms.

Sure enough, over at Mermaid Lagoon, Theresa reveals to Ryan that she just called to dump Eddie’s sorry ass, and Ryan invites her to dinner rather than give her the farewell speech.

Seth and Ryan powwow over Anna leaving. Seth thinks she’s leaving because of him, and girls everywhere roll their eyes and tell him to join the women’s movement. I promise she’ll live without you, honey. Submissive girls that need to be saved are so five minutes ago. Except Marissa. Seth at least knows he can’t ask her if he is the reason she’s leaving because that would be self absorbed.

At school in the lounge (I repeat, wtf?), Ryan is studying the Spanish Inquisition. And because nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition, Marissa walks over and they engage in awkward conversation. Then, BAM, out of no where, Eddie, who is the new psycho to replace Crazy!Oliver appears. He gets all up in Ryan’s face and wants to know if he slept with Theresa and they look like they’re about to throw down, when a rather geeky looking faculty member breaks it up and tells Eddie to leave. Marissa looks as if she wants to know if they slept together too, but she’ll probably deal with it in a more passive aggressive way.

Seth catches up with Anna at school and wants her to tell him why she’s leaving. She claims it’s for the seasons—she misses seeing them change. And I’m sure there’s some deep meaning here, but it’s The OC and I refuse to think too deeply there. Seth pushes for another reason, say…him? She responds, “Did I mention the peanut butter pie? Yeah, I miss that.” Aw, snap. To quote Charlie Brown, “Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter like unrequited love.”

Marissa approaches Ryan and offers to help Theresa again. Ryan gets a little huffy and asks the burning question, “Why the hell would you want that?” Marissa’s intention becomes clear when she admits she usually gets what she wants, but she knows she can’t compete with his childhood sweetheart. Ah-ha! Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer. Very nice, Marissa.

SummerandSeth are making out on a car when he pulls away to ponder if Anna is leaving because of him. (Again, I ask, where is this car when he needs to get to school?) He is convinced Anna is lying and she’s really leaving because of him. Summer is at least deep enough to realize that thinking that is a little self-absorbed, even if it's true. She tries to interest him in her mouth again, but he offers her food instead. Ouch.

Ryan arrives at Theresa’s, and the little vixen demands a foot massage straight away. He would prefer they talk (which is a nice change). She says it’s sweet he wants to help, but she’s a big girl and can take care of herself. Then, to show just how big she is, she throws him down on the bed. He pretends to resist, but pretty soon they’re rolling in the hay. I would like to take this moment to point out that no one said anything about protection. I bet we get a Baby’s Daddy story before the end of the season. Meanwhile, Stalker!Eddie sits outside the hotel in his hot El Kimino and then peals out of the parking lot when he sees Theresa’s light go out. The next morning, Ryan wakes up next to Theresa and we settle the debate once and for all about his six pack (of course he has one. I bet they looked at that before his acting skills). He tells her he can’t hang out that day because of Caleb’s party, and they figure out she shouldn’t go because A) that would be weird and B) she has nothing to wear. I told you that buying a dress for such an occasion would be tricky. The saucy vixen tells him to come over later and they can both wear nothing.

Seth covered for Ryan the night before, and Ryan repays him by lying about sleeping with Theresa. Seth takes the opportunity to talk about himself some more and Ryan encourages him to talk to Anna again. And here’s why I love Seth Cohen: He says he needs to be drinking first. A man after my own heart.

Marissa shows up at Theresa’s, and we know she means business because the dreaded bangs are back. Marissa tells her about the big party and offers her stuff to wear. Marissa is awfully intent on being Theresa’s friend. We already know she’s got some psycho tendencies… I would watch out if I were Theresa.

As Seth picks up drink #1, Summer makes small talk with Ryan about Theresa and Marissa. Like the good wingman she is, she talks up her best friend and reminds Ryan of Marissa’s good heart. Ryan might have been swayed by this, but Marissa and Theresa walk in at that moment and his jaw drops over Theresa and Marissa’s edge is lost.

Anna shows up at the party to say good bye, but Seth is busy taking pictures with his grandfather. She instead approaches Summer, and they have a Golden Girls moment.

Nearby, random socialites talk about plastic surgery and I wonder why they’re invited in the first place. Theresa and Ryan are marveling at their shallowness when Anna walks over to bid farewell to Ryan. Anna gets a pained expression as she watches Seth, and hands off a letter to Ryan to give to him. She and Ryan hug and she tells him to “have the best life,” at which point I wonder why they never had sexual tension before now. They totally should have hooked up. It would have pissed off everyone, and that’s what makes a great soapy drama.

At the bar, Luke tells Julie she’s hot and briefly touches her shoulder. From this, Jimmy figures out they’re being creepy together and questions Julie about it. It would destroy Marissa, he tells her. And suddenly the season finale becomes crystal clear. Julie just denies it.

Caleb begin to make an announcement, when Eddie casually wanders into the party looking shifty. He finds Theresa, Ryan finds them, and we all know Ryan’s been aching for a good slug fest since he and Luke buried the hatchet. So, naturally, they start throwing swings, dropping ‘bows, and astonishing Newport society all over again. Ultimately, Ryan lands in the pool and Eddie is thrown out of the party but not before threatening Ryan with his life Theresa looks worried. Ryan looks wet.

We cut to Ryan with ice on his face, but it’s cool because shiners look good on him. Theresa apologizes for the whole shebang and Seth and Summer join the fray. Oh yeah, I have this letter from Anna, but oops, it got smudged in the pool. As Seth freaks out trying to read it, Summer looks on with the vague suspicion that Seth might still be torn over who he loves. He tells her he just doesn’t want to lose his friend, and she tells him to go after her. Surprising show of maturity for Shallow!Summer. Seth demands Ryan drive him to the airport because he’s had three glasses of champagne (More social responsibility! Don’t drive drunk!)

In the meantime, Caleb approaches Julie and has the nerve to call her Juju. We all know that Luke would have no problem kicking his wrinkled ass if he heard him say that. He asks Juju out, and she says if he lays out the perfect date, she’ll consider it. Caleb has realized what many guys never do: the girl will submit to your booty call, you just have to bring her to dinner first.

Ryan and Seth are speeding down the interstate to stop Anna and listening to '80’s music really loudly. Seth is complaining about the music in his angst, and Ryan delivers by far the best line of the night: “Do NOT insult Journey, alright?!” Journey! Hell yes!

At Marissa’s. Theresa stops by with the dress and is embarrassed over the fight. Pashaw. You just want to rub it in Marissa’s face that she’s not the only one in town that can start a brawl. Marissa reminds her it’s not the first time Ryan has gotten into a fight at the “social event of the year,” but Theresa says she’s leaving. She says she and Ryan both need to figure things out and she wants Marissa to take care of him. Marissa tries really hard not to look happy about this. She fails.

At the airport, they play a cover of that song from “Pretty in Pink” (“If you leave, don’t look back…something something…I touch you once, I touch you twice…something.”). Seth rushes into the terminal in one of those beautiful movie shots that makes all girls swoon. We all secretly want some attractive ex love to run through the airport frantically calling our names. Any girl who says she does not want this is wrong. Anyway, he catches Anna at security and tells her not to leave because of him. She tells him she loves him only as a friend, but they have no chemistry. Their mutual tears speak otherwise, but I’m obviously no expert in matters of the heart. She says maybe one day they will be perfect for each other, and I’m reminded of the movie “Singles” where Mary Stuart Masterson’s character tells her friend, “In an alternate universe, we are a scorching couple. Here….nothing.” They share one of the best kinds of hugs, and he asks what he will do without her wise wisdom. She says, in a cry to all of the spellbound teenager watching at home, “Have confidence.” She leaves. She looks back. He bangs on the glass, and oddly does not get dragged away by security. That was probably supposed to evoke some sentimental feelings for Anna, and it did. I hope she comes back. And I hope she gets Seth in the end. Well, at least until the next time I see Summer and sympathize with her resistance of vulnerability in the face of stupid boys.

Back at the Mermaid Inn, Ryan sees his love nest with Theresa is empty. On a bench somewhere else with Seth, they discuss the girls that have just left their lives and decide to spend some QT together. Unless Summer wants to get some, and then Ryan’s on his own. Ryan says he could hang out with Luke. And, yeah, what’s he doing anyway? Seth speculates discovering fire, hunting and gathering, shaving his chest…JULIE COOPER! Well, he didn't really guess that. But yeah, that's what he's really doing.

And sadly, three weeks until the next OC. Bummer. Reruns will be recapped if they happen.
In the meantime, for my own curiousity, what's the verdict on Ryan and Theresa vs. Ryan and Marissa? We have exotic beauty vs. cover girl, girl next door from Chino vs girl next door from Newport, childhood love vs. current flame. What's a guy to do? Let me frame it this way, if Marissa and Theresa were to fight it out in a vat of chocolate pudding, who would win?

The F Word (Obvious reference to fandango. Shameless product placement)

2004-02-25T23:10:00.000-06:00

We are greeted by the Sexual Content Warning for Parents, so right away we know this will be a rockstar episode.

Things open up with footballs being thrown around to remind us that it might be The OC, but these kids are All-American. Then, oddly enough, we are treated to the sights of actual ugly people as Seth and Ryan talk. It’s very disconcerting because we can hear them but the faces don’t match up. They finally appear and they are, of course, discussing Marissa and Ryan breaking up. (Aren’t we all?) Ryan claims they are just going to go back to being “friends” and Seth reminds him that between the spooning and the fistfights in her honor, Marissa and Ryan were never friends. Nearby, Marissa and Summer engage in a parallel conversation about being “just friends.” Summer also reveals that in the sack, Seth is the “anti-Cohen.” “The Cohen” in itself is pretty spectacular, so she obviously still doesn’t see what the rest of us do. Back to Ryan and Seth, Seth’s cell phone rings and its Theresa, the girl next door from the old home, calling for Ryan. Why would she call Seth’s cell to find Ryan? Curious. If I was Seth, I would be concerned that my friend is giving out my cell phone number as his own. Theresa just happens to be in Newport, and could they hang out that night? Why suuuuuuure! That would be lovely! As they hang up, the guy from Six Feet Under that looks like he has lots of gel in his curls comes out of her shower and she shoves a suitcase under her bed. Oooooo!

Credits roll.

All four of the PYTs run into each other at school looking very comfortable and very not weird with each other. Brad, a longhaired water polo player, whisks Summer off (Brad. Who still names their kid Brad?) He wants her to be in a kissing booth for charity and she seems to take it as a compliment that he thought of her first when considering girls that wouldn’t mind kissing a bunch of people. Again, I consider this a sign of the times. Seth doesn’t seem thrilled and also points out that she doesn’t act like they’re dating in front of people. She evades him and the subplot is now obvious. Enter a very smug Anna, who has been back to Pittsburgh and very much enjoyed her tuna melt there.

Then they start the other subplot with Kirsten, Sandy, and Caleb. Seems Caleb has a buddy in jail and wants Sandy to get him off. (By off I mean out of jail. Get your mind out of the gutter.) I’ll save you the boredom of that whole story and say Sandy figures out the guy is under the table and says he won’t defend him, but Caleb says that this guy knows some illegal stuff that could ruin Kirsten’s career. Ruh-roh. The writers should know better than to introduce a plot hinging largely on economics. Their demographic wants sex.

Back to the High School/ Country Club that also offers geometry: Seth and Anna are pointedly not watching Summer flirt with the water polo team. Okay, no offense to Adrien, but when did water polo guys become cool? Is this an upper class deal? I mean, I was a Theta. I think I would know if water polo players were cool. Anyway, Anna is trying very hard not to point out to Seth that Summer is ignoring him. Seth tells her, “Summer has her priorities in order. You know how she feels about charity.” Anna gives him a, “are ya kiddin’ me?” look.

Then there’s Momma Cooper strolling through the school when she sees the Lukester. He sort of growls at her and she tells him they can’t do this… in the hallway! They’ll meet later at a seedy hotel to play Mrs. Robinson.

Marissa and Ryan are hanging out by the pool table (wtf!) talking about how they should hang out because they’re totally cool with each other and are definitely friends. (Good luck with that, guys.)

Summer and Seth are now naked. School is apparently over, so she can now acknowledge him. Now that he’s gotten play, he brings up the ignoring him thing. She doesn’t really try to deny it, but instead justifies it by making them out to be the Bennifer of their high school. Sure, super couple everyone loves now, but their movie will crash and burn and that will be the end. So, let’s keep it on the DL. Seth seems all ready to throw in some mixed metaphors of his own, but she pulls him under the covers, and we all know that argument is over until at least the next commercial.

Marissa and Ryan are playing video games, and Marissa is getting her ass kicked. She can’t really do the vicious, flirty competitor thing the way Summer can, so she’s not really turning Ryan on. They comment on how they’re being weird. We’re friends, that’s not weird. We’re friends! But, hey friend, I have homework to do…..until the girl from the wrong side of the tracks shows up and I pretend to be just friends with her too. Wait, didn’t we already have this storyline?

Summer and Seth are talking about their over-exposure issues with the public. This illustrates how high schoolers think the world revolves around them. I promise, Summer, that guy that will tease you is actually freaked out that you will discover he’s already sprouting back hair. He’s trying to cover his own embarrassment by showing yours. Typical mean kid tactics, which you should know because you sort of are one. Anyway, Summer fears being known as Setherer or Summerer, which doesn’t really make sense because Summerer doesn’t have any of Seth’s name in it.

Back at the Cohen’s, the whole happy family is teasing Ryan about all the girls he is friends with lately. Friends! All of us! Together!

Then Julie and Luke are putting their clothes back on in the hotel. Things are all sexy and cool until Luke says, “I gotta go, I’m late for homeroom.” Momma Cooper is brought back to reality and says it can’t go on. As Luke leaves, we see Theresa walking into a room of her own at the Mermaid Hotel. Hmm.. what’s she up to?

Ryan sits with Marissa at lunch where they talk about Theresa, who Ryan is so obviously just friends with. Marissa wants to make sure though because she asks 20 questions about her. I mean, that’s what friends do. And Ryan and Marissa are friends. For real.

Anna is playing counselor to Seth over Summer. Which she shouldn’t. The boy could not appreciate her and she needs to move on and not be so nice. Yeah…so, Anna tries to not tell him what she thinks, “Why do I do this?” And Seth reminds her, “You’re so wise, Anna, how can you not?” Poor Anna. Helping the guy you like sort out his love problems is never easy. Anna tells him flat-out that Summer is mistreating him. As if on cue, Brad the water polo stud walks by and knocks his books out of his hands.

Ryan and Theresa are walking on a beach eating ice cream and talking about how they are friends. She tells him she and Eddie (Six Feet Under Guy) are taking time away from each other, and points out that he and Marissa don’t have the same comfort as they do. But it doesn’t matter. They’re just friends anyway. Right? Oh yeah, friends, us. For sure.

Meanwhile, Seth lays down the smack with Summer and tells her no more nookie until she admits to the world he is her boyfriend. She says, “You’ll be crossing your own picket line!” To which he replies, “Fight the Power!” And closes the door.

Meanwhile, Ryan pulls up on his bike (the kid goes to a school with pool tables and video games, but no one will buy him a car?) and sees Eddie, who tells him he proposed to Theresa. This doesn’t really tally with what Theresa said earlier and Ryan lies about seeing her. Eddie drives off in his El Camino (soooooo hot) and Ryan gets that look. You know, the one has when he’s not expressionless….broody.

At the Mermaid Inn, where all the hot couples are going these days, Ryan confronts Theresa about her engagement. Seems she never said yes, but Eddie could take care of her. Ryan tells her she’s too young- she’s 17!! All across the country, jaws drop as we all say, “No fucking way she’s 17! She’s at least 30!” He invited her to dinner because that’s what a friend would do.

Back at the Cohen’s, the whole gang is settling down to a take out dinner, joking about Ryan’s performances in musicals, when who should come knocking but Ryan’s other great friend- Marissa. She is also invited to stay for dinner, but things are suddenly quiet. And I can’t imagine why. That’s not very friendly.

Next door, Caleb shows up for a booty call with Julie, which she denies him and points out that his crappy flowers didn’t help. She also gave a nice definition of a booty call, which I wish I had written down. It was not to be. Anyway, in a nice salute to the title, Julie slams the door as she says the real f-word, so we can’t hear it, but we know she says it. Ha ha! Censor that!

Oh, I forgot this quote from earlier. When the Cohens are talking about musicals, Seth encourages his father in reliving his Grease days. “Do it, Dad, Travolta’s your bitch.”

Later, we see Ryan and Seth in the pool house where Seth gives Ryan some friendly advice about triangles. “The triangle is not a friendly shape. That’s the point. It has sharp edges.” But that doesn’t really apply to Ryan because he’s just friends with everybody. Seth goes on to say that when Eddie enters the picture, it’s more of a romantic rhombus. I like that. I kind of wish I was in one so I could talk about being in one.

At school, Anna is playing Pac Man (wtf!) when Summer approaches to defend her latest non-actions with Seth. I would like to point out that isn’t very sensitive of her. She knows perfectly well that Anna has feelings for Seth and it doesn’t seem fair to explain to her why she can’t acknowledge him in public. Anyway, Anna more or less calls her out on being dumb and Summer admits that she’s scared Seth will leave her because he’s smarter than her and every other guy has left her, and it would kill her if he broke up with her and everyone knew about it. Maybe it’s the social worker in me, but I’m feeling empathetic toward Summer. Vulnerability is hard enough without worrying about previous burns. It doesn’t make it right to ignore your boyfriend…but wait, I’m getting serious here and this is strictly a snarky commentary.

Julie decked out in pigtails, calls Luke for a cloak and dagger booty call. Seems that her run in with Caleb made her feel old and she needs a little fresh meat.

Anna tells Seth that Summer is scared and he has to tell her that he’s not going anywhere. “Now she’s got you. Nothing scarier than that.” And how.

Marissa arrives at the very same hotel where her mother is boffing Luke, but just when we think she’s going to walk in on the May-December romance, she goes to Theresa’s room for a woman-to-woman talk about Ryan. In the course of the conversation, it comes out that Marissa loves Ryan but says it would be easier not to. Theresa some how manages never to answer the question herself and instead says that sometimes you have to settle for the next best thing because things don’t always work out the way you want. It seems she will be getting back together with Eddie, but we all know her best thing is Ryan, and Marissa’s worries are not over. Not that it matters. We’re all friends here.

At the same time, Ryan finds Eddie and tells him that he has seen Theresa. There’s a tense few moments when Eddie figures out that Ryan might still have feelings for her. Eddie says he will fight for her, which should suit Ryan fine because now that he and Luke are friends, he needs someone new to punch.

At the school kissing booth (What school would allow a kissing booth? Certainly not SJA, but then that would have never been a possibility for an all girl’s school), Seth starts to give people back their money and leaps atop the booth in a very Dead Poet’s Society sort of mood. He tells Summer, “Acknowledge me now or lose me forever!” He then stretches out his hand…. and after some hesitation, she takes it. It looks like everyone smirks at first, but then you see the girls sort of swooning and we all know that Seth is not quite as dorky in the school’s eyes as Summer thinks. Anna smiles and then looks wistful. Guess playing cupid sucks. I feel your pain, Rainbow Bright, I mean Anna.

Back at Theresa’s hotel room, she’s packing to go home to Eddie when Ryan shows up. They talk about doing what’s right, about what makes sense for both of them. And then Ryan tells her even if it’s not right, he doesn’t want her to go. She says she doesn’t want to. They kiss. And somewhere, Marissa’s skinny little heart breaks.

If loving The OC is wrong, I don’t want to be right.

The Heartbreak (That didn't get the best of me- I'll keep coming back incessantly)

2004-02-25T22:16:00.000-06:00

Right away we know this one should be good because the screen says Parental Dsicretion is Advised for Sexual Content. Weeee!

We open up with Sandy hanging out in the kitchen when he gets shot by Kirsten toting a bow and arrow for Cupid. He grumpily reminds her that Valentine's is still another day away, and she tells him its her favorite holiday. They have the typical girl/guy argument about Valentine's being a stupid holiday. This subplot continues for the rest of the episode, but I won't bother covering it because there are bigger fish to fry. Basically, they act all frosty and then ultimately have a romantic moment in the bedroom when it turns out Sandy does sell out on Valentine's and buys her lots of roses and candy.

Sooooo...Seth and Ryan both walk into the kitchen and everyone is still tense about Oliver and Kirsten in trying very hard to make things normal again. She reminds them all about the Single Dance Valentine Gala the next night. Of course there is a gala. It's a weekend, right? No one appears thrilled other than her. Credits roll.

At school, Marissa approaches Ryan and tries to kiss him, but he does the dodge thing (ouch) and we find out Oliver is in a hospital some where contemplating how to best annoy Ryan from afar. Marissa wants things back to normal and Ryan looks broody. Given the episode title is "The Heartbreak," we can guess how things end. They discuss what each other is doing for Valentine's. Turns out Marissa also has plan to go to the Gala and they figure they'll see each other there. Marissa is going to find out soon that Ryan has baggage, and I don't mean the Louis Vuitton kind. The bell rings, they both say they should go, and then don't. Ooo...angst.

Next we see Summer playing a video game near the coffee bar and pool table (again, wtf?). Seth comes over to inquire about her Valentine's plans, and she's all spunky and "yeah, thanks for reminding me I'm single and you have Anna. Awesome." Which would have been a jerky thing to do, but he actually is single now, and maybe they could...."I'm not gonna be your sloppy seconds, assface." As she walks off, Seth says, "Aw, snap, " and becomes that much more delicious.

Marissa is at her dad's trying not to care (good luck, dear) and Jimmy gets some cookies from an admirer. He points out to prissy Marissy that sometimes a romantic gesture is worth more than words, and she looks like she might take that advice. By the way, in a boring subplot, Jimmy's admirer is Kirsten's sister.

Summer is in her room just staring into space when there's a knock. She says she is studying naked, which she is not, and Seth comes in and is disappointed. I have to wonder who she thought was at the door. I mean, would you yell that at your dad? We find out Summer has a My Little Pony to compliment Seth's Captain Oats and it's becoming more clear that Seth and Summer are the cuter couple than Marissa and Ryan. She tries to be spunky and tells him to leave, but he tells her that he's not with Anna because, "it's always been you, Summer." Frost melted, she jumps him and pulls him on the bed and begins to strip. Which is excatly what anyone would do when faced with someone that likes them. Perfect sense. I like you, times wasting, let's have sex IMMEDIATLY. And since this show is a lesson in living well disguised as a soap, she asks if he has protection. How socially responsible!

We flash over to the Cooper mansion where Luke shows up with the lame excuse of looking for Marissa's biology book. Julie, looking mildly amused, calls him out on being lame. He stumbles along and asks if she needs a ride to the gala, she doesn't. He gets all boyish and leaves. She watches him go, and you can just see her undressing him with her eyes.

We see Seth and Summer in bed. Seth says, "Soooo.... that was sex." Summer doesn't look convinced that it was. She gets out of bed, taking the whole sheet with her.

Marissa busts into the pool house without really knocking, which seems like a bad idea. I mean, we know what guys do when they're alone. SO she comes in with a rose and tries to seduce Ryan, who resists. He tells her she doesn't have to sleep with him to make things better, and she gets embarrassed from the rejection. She obviously has not been watching enough teen soaps, because this is a very common plotline, and the girl always leaves dejected.

Ryan is sitting in the pool house, undoubtedly trying not to think about having sex with Marissa, when Seth comes in to announce that he has, in fact, had sex himself. Tells Ryan, "I was Nemo, and I just wanted to go home." Meaning, it was really weird. Ryan advises him not to refer to it as fish sex, and Seth finds out that Marissa and Ryan are having problems. But who cares about that, sex is at stake! The only advice Ryan has is, "Do it again."

Marissa and Summer are also hashing out the day's events, and Marissa says they decided to wait. Uh huh. Whatever dear. Summer says she wished they had waited, and Marissa is understandably confused. Summer and Seth are together? Summer had sex with Seth?? Obviously, she doesn't rip off her clothes when someone admits to liking her either. She then admits that Ryan turned her down and they stare into the ocean together....which leads me to wonder if all those J Crew ads with models wearing bikinis and sweaters at the beach are meant for the residents of Orange County.

Seth asks advice of Sandy on sex. They have the condom talk (be responsible, kids!) and we find out there wasn't so much foreplay at all. Sandy gives some suggestions, Seth winces, so does the audience. Sandy tells him that with Cohens, "The appetizer is as good as the main course." Ew, ew, ew, ew.

Then we see Luke and Ryan (Look, we're friends!) setting up for the gala. Luke wants to know about Marissa and Ryan, and low and behold, who should approach but Ryan's ex- Theresa. She's working the gala because girls from Chino don't get to attend galas so much as cater them. I sense another triangle.

Summer's room again. Seth tries the foreplay thing on her again, and all is going well until she calls his massage the Vulcan nerve pinch. How Summer knows what a Vulcan nerve pinch is, we can't be sure, but I'm betting there's something about an inner nerd on the horizon. She basically halts all of his foreplay attempts and pulls off her shirt and they go at it like animals.

We see Ryan talking to the lovely senorita and she empathizes with him and he's reminded by her that no one in the OC believed him about Crazy!Oliver... so maybe he doesn't fit in here. Maybe he should go home. And then Marissa ses them and its weird, because what else would it be. Also, Marissa has bangs now, which can't really help her cause. Ryan watched the two of them leave, and you can see him thinking, "Threesome!"

We see Ryan and Seth getting ready to go. Seth reveals the latest attempt at sex was limbs everywhere, so he doesn't really see any of it happening again. Summer and Marissa, in a parallel moment, reveal they aren't really jazzed about the gala either, but Marissa has to go to stalk Ryan. At the gala, Ryan and Seth see Theresa who offers them unidentifiable rich people food. Marissa and Summer watch from a balcony and Marissa reveals Ryan was Snoopy in a musical as a kid. This makes me smile. In the meantine, Mama Cooper, alias Mrs. Robinson of The OC, tells Kirsten she is going home to listen to Bob Seger. I'm not really sure why that would be comforting.

Cut to Ryan approached by Marissa where she tries the, "Hi, I'm Marissa Cooper, let's start over" thing, and Ryan says not a chance in hell, babe. Methinks Theresa got to him and screwed with his head. Nearby, Seth appoeaches Summer and says maybe he'll be ready for her stallion-like experience in a few years and apologizes for wasting her time. She watches him leave, and looks vaguely disappointed. So, maybe she liked him for more than his body. Um, yeah, I would say so.

Theresa joins a pensive Ryan outside and offers him a cig. He doesn't smoke anymore...and she notes his other changes. When she finds out he and Marissa broke up, she's all up in his face, touching his hair. He asks if she wants to leave, and the hussy says yes. Meanwhile, back at the Gala, Marissa is crying a table when Sandy walks over and reminds her that Ryan has been left by many people and its all he knows. So, she is has to be persistent. Love is hard, but worth it, he tells her. There's sort of a creepy sexual tension there, that I think was unintentional, but bizarro all the same. Marissa and Summer walk out to presumably find Ryan and see him leaving with Theresa.

At the pool house, Ryan and the ex rehash old memories and exchange meaningful looks. They talk about the coincidence of seeing each other on Valentine's. Next door, Luke shows up and finds Julie, who tells him he shouldn't be there. She changes her mind when he says she used to be the mom everyone wanted to do when they were younger. She guzzles her wine and Luke gets his wish as she ushers him in to the waiting mood music of Bob Seger.

Seth is in his room talking to Captain Oats about blowing it with Summer, when the the vixen comes in. Turns out, she was a virgin too, and they really couldn't have helped the situation either. He tells her he's shocked, she says she has a rep to protect. And its really a sign of the times that a 16 year old (yeah right) wanted people to think she was having lots of sex. So, they agree they should have been slower. And Seth puts on a record (an actual old school record) that inexplicably plays an Oasis cover, and he asks her to dance. Great line: When Summer asks what's he doing, he says, "Come on... I'm sweeping you off your feet."

Marissa bursts into the pool house (chick needs to knock) and gives a, "I'll fight for you Ryan!" speech. He pushes her away and says he can't forget what happened. Nor should he. We need a kick ass season finale, and that can't happen if Marissa doesn't need to be saved. She runs out crying, he closes the door, and the band plays on.

Poor Little Rich Girl.

The Truth... Hurts, but not enough to kill anyone.

2004-02-25T22:11:00.000-06:00

Oooooookay.
So, we see Ryan hanging out in the poolhouse as he enjoys yet another suspension for punching someone. As an almost professional, I can say that he may need anger management. Turns out Crazy!Oliver dropped the assault charges against him, but Ryan's still not sorry for jumping his ass. Sandy wants to talk thing over, because that's what good parents do, but Ryan just gives him that broody look and Sandy proceeds to ground him.

Credits roll.

Ryan is obviously not thrilled about spending all this time at home as he does sit ups, reads the Fountainhead, and looks broody all before 8 AM. Marissa and Summer talk on the way into school where Marissa is obviously unimpresssed by Ryan punching Oliver and Summer is obviously unimpressed by how dumb Marissa is about Oliver. Turns out the dynamic duo broke up and Summer is suddenly psyched becaused they're both single again. Yippee! Hooray!

Anna and Seth are hanging out by the school pool table (wtf!?) talking about Ryan and they run into Marissa and Summer. Sexual tension ensues and social awkwardness follows. But, hey, just because a psycho made me break up with your best bud and brother type, doesn't mean we can't all hang out. Yep. We're all fine here. And totally sane. Enter Oliver, who actually says, "Waddup, waddup!" and subsequently becomes more likeable.

Kirsten and Sandy have lunch in her office when SuperBitch Julie Cooper comes in and moves all of Kirsten's furniture out in her redecoration Kirsten's dad is pissed, and we can see the end of their creepy storyline in the new future. Fun Quote: Julie says, "We're celebrating my new position." Sandy says, "I'm not even gonna touch that one."

More shots of Ryan brooding at home. He needs a hobby. You would think with all the suspensions he would get one. Anyway, he tries to call Marissa, who is having lunch with Oliver at the shcool food court (wtf!?).Oliver is trying to get her to go skiing with him, and she's half heartedly saying no. Luke strolls over (by the way, when did Marissa forgive him for being a cheating jerk off? Also, why am I slowly starting to like him?) and sits with them. He notes Marissa ignoring Ryan's call and gets pissy with Oliver for encouraging Marissa not to pick up. Appears he is the Brandon Walsh to Ryan's Dylan. Or something. Anyway, Luke huffs off. Marissa goes to get dessert (yeah, like she eats it), and Oliver uses the time alone to erase the message from Marissa's cell phone that Ryan left. How he got her voicemail code, I don't know.

So, back to the love triangle. Summer wants to go to the comic book store with Seth and Anna. Seth is like, "Hells yeah." And Anna is like, "Bitch, step off." Not really, but you can see it. Turns out Summer likes Betty and Veronica. Shocker. Wonder what parallel we're supposed to draw there? Suddenly, Ryan appears on campus, where he shouldn't be, and Seth tries to talk him down, but no dice. Ryan heads to the lib looking for Marissa, but again, no dice. However, he does run into..... Crazy!Oliver. Basically, Oliver says, "Bring it." And Ryan says, "Oh, it hasn't even begun to be broughten." Something like that.

Julie stops by Chez Cohen to go to work with Kirsten. Ryan comes in looking for coffee and exchanges dark brooding looks with Sandy. Ryan tells Julie to keep Marissa away from Oliver, and Julie relishes the opportunity to remind Ryan that he's trailer trash living in a pool house. She also comments, "Ugh, I am not getting involved in the throes of teenage romace." Funny, considering what happens later....

Oliver is still harassing Marissa to go skiiing with him, and gets all pouty when she says she has to see her mom. He pulls more pathetic stuff and some how convinces her to skip school for LA for the day. From a balcony (WTF!?) Luke and Seth see them leave and speculate what they are doing. Luke says he's going to check out Oliver's alleged girlfriend, Naralie, and Seth says, "Don't you think that's a little crazy?" To which Luke replies, "Dude, have you met Oliver?" When did Luke go from threatening Seth's life to conspriring with him?

Kirtsen sees her dad at the office. Julie is driving him crazy. Seems he still likes the sex, but not so much the everythign else. So, he sends his daughter to break up with her.
Ryan is laying around looking broody.

Seth, Anna, and Summer are reading comic books, all the while with Anna shooting dark looks at Summer. Seth is too busy bantering with Summer to notice. Anna stomps off to the kitchen, where she finds Sandy and asks how he and Kirsten make it work. Turns out similiarity doesn't matter so much as patience. And it appears Anna is losing hers. Seth chooses this moment to walk in and ask if Summer can stay for dinner, and Sandy whacks him on the head with a newspaper. Stupid Boy! Luke brings in a bag of groceries (hail, hail, the gang's all here), and heads off to see Ryan. He tells Ryan there is no Natalie (WE know! Get to the good stuff!)

Ryan sneaks off to see Marissa who is wicked pissed off with him for telling her mom about Oliver. He drives her right back over to Oliver's penthouse and arms, but not before Sandy sees him and he's BUSTED for breaking his grounding.

Ryan broods some more. Sandy tries to talk to him, but they're interrupted by Luke visting again. Luke appearantly has nothing better to do than keep up with Ryan and Marissa's relationship because he comes over to find out what happened. They are such girls. Luke vows to find Marissa.

Oliver and Marissa are in his suite. Luke calls her cell to tell her about Natalie, and like the naive thing she is, she just rolls her eyes. Luke does agree to get her clothes though (Oooooo yeah! I get to snoop in her underwear drawer), and Marissa looks slightly worried for the first time. Perhaps it dawned on her that if her ex-boyfriend is defending the guy that she broke up with him to be with, then maybe Oliver really is crazy. Oliver senses her shift in mood and acts pathetic.

Julie and Kirsten are in Kirsten's office. Julie sort of figures out that Caleb wants to break up with her. He walks in just as she has the revelation, and there's an oh shit moment. She stalks off.

The love triangle is watching cartoons togetehr while Seth touches Summer needlessly and Anna looks like she's about to spit nails. Sandy calls Seth aside and tells him to stop fucking around with Anna. Seth tell him not to worry, he doesn't fuck anyone for at least another episode.

Luke shows up for Marissa's clothes, where Julie cries to him about stuff and her sucky sucky life in the beautiful mansion. Luke hugs her. Then he does the "lean and look" but Momma Cooper pulls away, but not before we all realize she's going from 60 to 17 in two episodes flat.

Marissa goes down to the concierge to see if her clothes are there, and connects the dots when she sees the concierge is also named Natalie. So, having bought the clue, she returns upstairs to confront Oliver who hits his head repeatedly when he sees he's busted. He leaves the room for a second, and she calls Ryan to freak out. Oliver returns with a gun and tells her to hang up. Ryan dashes into the house to get the keys to the car so he can save his fair maiden. Sandy offers to drive him (Yay! I get to help the poor kid again! I'm a good person in my Berkeley sweatshirt! You know I like trees!)

Oliver and Marissa are both crying. He tells her he loves her and will shoot himself when she leaves. (Nothing says love like a warm gun.) Ryan and Sandy convince the concierge to bring them upstrairs where Ryan calls for Marissa. There's an agaonizing silence, and then she yells that he has a gun. They bust in, point guns at the crazy guy, he puts his gun to his head, and everyone stands in bated breath. Ryan points out all of their parallels and talks him down. As he puts down the gun, Marissa runs to Ryan and everyone rejoices that the Oliver story arc is over.

Seth and Anna are in the kitchen with their Jenga game rather symbolically collapsed in front of them. When Seth goes to call Summer to tell her Marissa is okay, it's the last straw for blondie, and she breaks up with him saying she won't pretend anymore. Aw. Poor Anna. She deserves someone who appreciates her whimsical make up and charming punkish style.

Seth goes to the pool house to apologize to Ryan for not believing him and they do the boy talk thing.
The End.

And I'm spent.